Suddenly everything has changed

This year, I got everything I wanted and everything I wished for. But in a way, I think i lost even more.

N and i broke up last year,beginning of december. shortly right after my spm. but why broke up since everyone think we are like the perfect couple?
because it just came to a point where i realised that, he is just not the one and i love the idea of him. not him for who he is but the idea of him.
and im at that point where i just cant lie to myself anymore, if i were to keep going on, he was alrd mapping out his entire life with me. he was going to propose and he's ready to take care of me and spend the rest of his life with me forever. hell, i know my parents wouldn't mind since they practically adored him and trust him whole heartedly. guess, getting engaged is plan A. then plan B, is college to them.
Like i said, it came to a point where its not fair if i keep lying to myself and to him. so i ended it with him. that few days of breaking up was terrible, he was hurt, but he respected my decision and wants me to be happy. and now he's gone. after the break up, he just disappear, and now he's back at Australia again. i haven't seen or talk to him since then.

but his last words was,

"I was reminded today in a roundabout way that the most perfect act of love is sacrifice. I love you Christine. And I think I have since the first moment we locked eyes and it is going to suck but if what you want is for me to let go then I'm gonna do it. Be happy love. I want that with all my heart."

and he was gone. people always leave.


but that's not the worst. at one point, i got so sick of everything in my world. i was tired and frustrated that i stray away . i had to. i cut out all the connections i had, off my phone, everything.

and i started doing everything alone. i went out alone, i go to the movies alone, i had my dinner alone, for that few weeks, that was how my life was. until i went to starbucks, like literally everyday, just hanging out and be by myself. and i met a guy there. boy he was different. he made me laugh, he made all my despair and burden to fade away. i enjoy talking to him, he bugs me like every time but it don't no matter, because he made me happy, he made me laugh after everything that had happened. he was my safe harbor. i felt light and i was grinning all over when im with him.

but he and i are from a different world. way different. he's from that end and im from this end.
little do i know, he fell for me. when that moment arrived, i was prepare to leave again because i cannot deal with all these anymore. i don't love him, i only think of him as a friend and tht was all. but at the same time, i couldn't bring myself to leave because he was my safe harbor, he made me happy, he made me smile, he put all those ache and burden away and i needed him. i was selfish. i was.

i came to a point again, where i deserved so much better. all my friends has been saying so. i deserved a so much better guy, someone like N again. guess that what love is, you are blinded by it. you love someone that much,and all the flaws and everything just blend away.
but now, i realised that i deserve better, someone once told me, i am destined for greatness and i just don't know it yet. persistent as i was, believing in miracles, believing everything is possible, never give up, but........

and tht is when i noticed, everything has changed. i have changed. i saw myself in the mirror and i don;t recognise her anymore. i told to several ppl, and they were all shocked by what i have done, the actions i taken that night. i told to one of my ex, he was lost for words, he said, he dun know me anymore and who i have become. they all asked me to change. better change.

but im not sure i can. suddenly, everything has changed.