can't seem to catch a break

Some just have it all and there are some who just can't seem to catch a break.


And i seem to fall into the category of i can't seem to catch a break.

This year

It's funny how this year is terrible for you then what it is for me? *shook* This year has been HELL for me, what with college and friends and relationship and family. Everything seems so screw up at one point, mostly the relationship category, that is just so screw up until i don't even know what to label it anymore. On the way back from PJCAD today, cos i went and retrieve some stuff there, Bry was telling me why has my love life always been so screw up and complicated ever since i was form 2. He said he was there to see me and until now he still is. Its true, and somehow this fact saddens me ) : where is my perfect guy?! I've been dating ever since i was 14 years old, i'm tired of dating already. I just wan my perfect guy.

Oh and i sort of transfer college from PJCAD to INTI now and i'm in the mass com line, YAY to mass com students. ;) There are seriously a bunch of crazey kids in my class including me and the close buds that i hang out with, you know who you are. muax muax.

Oh and btw, i moved to subang avenue for god knows why actually, but i guess i moved is under the term of "leisure and conviniency" heeee. My dad kept telling me, is so ridiculous for a klang-rian to move to subang cos i could just take train there. shucks ):

Not sure what am i going to do with my fashion line still, but i get to there, maybe once i completed this course. Cos fashion will always be there for me, the ruling force of my life.

I blog more later when i do. I gtg now ):

class cancel

Blog oh blog, what should i write about. It;s 9.47am in the morning, and my class is cancel. Damn it inti, i could have stay home n sleep right now, not going around the net,facebooking,e buddyingg and blogging ect. 

i come back later and blog somemore, of course i will :)

Tired mind, Tired soul

Everybody else knows how this goes
Everybody knows how wide and how much and how far
Everybody's got my number now
Maybe I can find a way out

I've been running too long on this shift
And I've been keeping tabs on myself
And now I'm cutting close in on my limit
And I think I heard somebody say


You're never gonna be anybody else
You're never gonna see until you see yourself
Take a deep breath and don't let go 




This year has been... so far, everything is falling apart, i'm falling apart. I can barely catch myself this time when i fall but i know i have to. I came in here today and i sit in silence. I look around, a vase of nearly dead flowers which i love, the pictures hanging on the mirror pane which reminds everything, the slight bruises on my hand which reminds what did happened. In just one day, less than 24 hours, alot can change. 


Perhaps we do give our heart uncritically to others who hardly think about us in return.

INSANELY

Sometimes being so insanely in love hurts.

It still is.

I guess it's a super late entry i'm blogging now, like what, 4.31 am in the morning. If u think blogging at this hour is crazy, try learning japanese of the net at this hour -__- But i guess i just couldnt sleeep. My sleeping habit is becoming worst and worst. Had too much nightmares lately, maybe its hindering my mind and body to fall asleep because it's afraid. If only you seen the nightmares i'm having, you too would be afraid to fall asleep, no doubt.

Now what could possibly be on my mind at 4.36am in the morning. *pondering*. I'm thinking bout my guy and how proud i m cos he graduated today , with the whole robe and scroll thingy but too bad i wasnt there to see him graduate, no matter. I'm glad and happy for him.

I'm thinking bout how different we are and how different our goal in life and what we want in each other is different. I guess thinking bout all of these does give a mild stab in my heart, a mild head pain and a mild insecurity. But then again i'm amaze, don't get me wrong, i'm not amaze at my own pain lar, i'm amaze at how different we are,in many aspects but we are still bond together. This might be the love people out there are dying to have, atleast i hope so.

Just look at it, it's easy to be with someone tht is perfect because she/he is everything, your dream guy/girl/whatever, everything that you ever wanted. Is easy because she/he be understanding, so no fights, or she/he be rich, so no money issue, or she/he is loyal, so no cheating, or she/he is caring and sincere enough, so no insecurities. Isnt't it? Tell me i'm wrong and i shoot you from a vantage point. Its so easy to be with someone who fulfill everything that you want, physically, emotionally. But its not so easy being with someone who doesnt fullfill it, who is nothing like you ever wanted, i find that the challenge part.

Why am i amaze? it's how they are able to stay bonded and love each other until now. It's not easy being in this kind of relationship you know, you have no idea how many times i literally wanna kill him myself n kill myself after. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. This are the relationship that i'm proud to admit and have, atleast we know, we are true to each other, we know what each other needs and want are, we are being downright honest, we tackle the issue, not keep it in heart and push it away or even try to change for the other person.

It amaze me to see how , despite of everything i'm still in love and he is still and us staying bonded. I shouldnt worry so much bout the flaw, why arent i perfect for him, or why cant i be more of the girl that he want, No. Infact i should feel lucky and bless that despite whatever i'm , he is still with me , loving me. An unconditional love, to love a person for who they are.

I think that brings a deeper special meaning than saying "I love you cos you are everything that i ever wanted."

I would much rather have "You are nothing that i want, but it's ok, i still love you for who you are."

Gdnight .

updates again;

Last blogging date was feb sumthing and today is 8 march. Wow, blogspot should sue me or ban me from not updating it regularly, its like a waste of internet space but what the hell, nobody takes me seriously : (





Ahh updates in life, well, i've decided to not continue my studies in PJCAD , for a few REASONABLY VALID reasons for example, IT'S TOO EFFING FAR. jesus. I guess i'm in a very confuse place right now, lost and don't know what i want again. Honestly, people say that i need to be more decisive, and i'm trying to, it's just not easy. Cos i have always been that girl who follows her heart and when my heart is empty, i'm empty, lost of direction. I guess i'm along the courses of designing(AGAIN), mass com or culinary. lol.





This past few weeks, i have been through alot, i guess i'm emotionally drain right now with all the confusion, pain, hurt, u get the drill. But it's getting better, day and day. How can one be so difficult? thats bad enough, but how can two be so difficult? That's even worst.





But i guess being in love has always been that way, wanting to be loved, to find a guy that makes your heart ache in a good way. I was just looking through back the pictures that we had together and shared, it reminds me of a time where i fell in love with this man that pratically breaks my heart, put them back again, breaks , put them back, breaks, and put them back again. Sometimes it’s not who you spend the most time with, it's who you have the best memories with.





I guess there's always gonna be this 3 person. The person that I love,the person that I hate and the person I can't get enough of. But all of them would be one person, and that person is you.





You promise, everything is going to be allright and i believe you.





Oh, and i start playing a game call audition too with a bunch of my crazy friends, i literally spent 50 bucks on virtual clothing for my character, dumb much? lol.





I guess no more clubbing for me for now, it aint that fun anymore.



And i have to say, i miss my bestie so much all the way in NZ. Damn it nic, come back to malaysia alrd.



andddd last but not least before i log off, i love my flowers for what it has been given to me. Thank you.

i need to

I just cant describe the condition i m in now to you, because i couldnt find a phrase for it. For someone who seems like want to be a writer or change the world someday, i fail to find those words that is able to mean something and mean to someone.

i'm sorry for everything for starter, but i know sorry just doesnt cut it anymore. but i am.

sometimes relationship just seems so simple and easy but lately it seems like it's a mess. isnt it?
it may seems like a huge mess and just sometimes i just feel like diving into tht mess.

life too short , if u love someone and want to be with them , then go get them. Deal with the mess later. you don't know wat tomoro will bring.

right now, just right now. i need to believe in something. because without hope, i don't think i'm able to breathe.

get your FACTS right

Oh god, seriously bitch, where do you even get your facts from? It seems to me like you run out of dirt to ditch about me and you went on on your own account to create new ones.

Well, is either that your 'that' pathetic to actually do that or you're just plain 'dumb' to believe all the facts from a certain someone has been telling you.

Go fukking get your facts right already if you intend to stay in the battle ring longer. Cos its just plain lame and no fun anymore when the facts itself is soo effing FALSE.

*yawn* brinjal face indeed.

valentines day blues

Valentines cumming, and chinese new year is cumming. And just when these 2 festives celebration decideds to cum, is when i'm seriously out of juice and fukking broke. yeeer =/

why lar? ;(

i miss my valentines day, why cant i have just one thing and one thing right for me? is that too much to ask for? :(

0) I want to take any one day to celebrate valentines day
1) I want my love one to be with me
2) I want pretty like flowers
3) I want laughter and romance
4) I want warmth and security
5) I want to give my man everything he wants
6) I also want to dine in TENJI mont kiara.


Baby is all these too much to ask for? ;( you know i love you. : )

heeee :)

You see, it's later already, so i did come back and blog somemore. heee.

Anyway, there's a few updates in my life recently i guess.

Some GIRL, starts calling me a bimbo and a slut and la la la. I dont really know what is her problem but i'm guessing, maybe she is just jealous, bored, insecure?. But i seriously gotta give it to her for taking the time and effort to actually write a whole long nasty post about me in her blog. Such devotion she showed to me. Half of her facts is so damn fukking wrong anyway. *CLAP LOUDLY.*

Here's her link anyway that talks 101 about chrissy the bimbo much for light entertainment reading. Lol. oh and btw, she's 22 already. seriously? fukking seriously? 22 years old trying to play/fight with an 18 years old. HAHAHA. That seriously cracks me up. Such a laughing toad.


http://alletsstella.blogspot.com/2010_01_01_archive.html

Haven't you heard, you're nobody until you're talked about.


Moving on, College started, back to college! but then again the term's ending and so is my sem. God forbids if i fail this sem. but i have been very very lazey tho. still not to worries, failing is not an option for me so it will not come to that.

New gadget! i finally got myself a new laptop after so long, since the time i last lost my laptop in a place call home, starbucks :( but then again lost is not really the correct term, kidnap is more accurate. SOMEBODY FUKKING KIDNAP MY LAPTOP and i'm surprise they didnt hold it for ransom, is my baby maaa. I would pay any amount to get it back and my dad would prolly ask me to go fuck myself. LOL.

Staying at home(starbucks) pun boleh kena curi. ape laaa. But no matter, the sad tears are gone and it has been replace with happy tears now. I got myself the HP PAVILLION DV series range, the design and everything damn sleek wei. Couldnt be happier and god forbids if i ever loose this one again.


I realised that there are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. or perhaps the rest of our lives

And, of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back.

But, once in a while, people push onto something better.

Something found just beyond the pain of going it alone. And just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in.

Or to give someone a second chance.

Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream.

Because, it's only when you’re tested that you truly discover who you are.

And, it's only when you're tested that you discover who you can be.

The person you want to be does exist; somewhere on the other side of hard work and faith and belief. And, beyond the heartache and fear of what lies ahead.

No it hasnt been easy, and i dont think is going to get easy now either.

There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment, you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on path? Will others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be haunted by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or simply give up.

In this desperate moment who will you be? Will you let down your defenses, and find solace in someone unexpected? Will you reach out? Will you face your greatest fear bravely? And move forward with faith. Or will you succumb to the darkness in your soul?

i'm done blogging now, off to classs i must. damn it.

trueee maaaaa

In my defence, is not like i don't want to blog ;( , is just that i have nothing to blog about. and i'm sure posting up grandmother stories wont help either but though atleast there's something to blog about.

i was asked to go and update my blog and yes that is what i'm doing right now while sipping my soda ice lime or whatevershit was it call again.

so here are some brief updatee in my lifeee


Financial status -- very very BROKE.

Relationship status -- in a RELATIONSHIP with a dude.

Personality status -- ROCKY and stabilizing soon.

Appearance status -- Gain some weight liao ;(

Brain IQ status -- ERROR.


ok larrr, i come back and blog for more later. promise larrr.

byeeeeee ;) heehee