I just can't

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say I will always love you
I will always love you

I will always love you - Chriss



But i can't do this anymore.

Type of GUYS i really hate

Apparently i have too much time to waste and too much time to think. So here are a list of types of guys tht i really despised. =.= enjoy!


Commitment-phobia Guy:: One would think that after spending 6 months of dating he would commit but he's always coming up with some excuse that he can't commit (Because we're long distance.... because we have an age gap... because we were friends in the beginning... because... because...because...) He is so not worth the time. It got me thinking... what if I missed the perfect man of my dreams because I was with this loser? (A friend of mine is going through this crap)


Lesson learned:: If he's not on the same page after three months, he can go fuck off, permanently.



The Asshole:: Thinks he can get everything/anyone. Has a "fuck you" attitude to the general public. He makes you do all the work. He has no respect for women in general. Still think that men have the upperhand.


Advice:: Don't even go near him.



Older Men:: I'm talking about the men who are in their forties & up who is looking to date someone twenty-plus years younger. If they looked like Paul Newman or George Clooney, it's a little different. But the ones who have acquired a beer belly and have double chins... what the fuck are they thinking? It makes me sick to my stomach.

YOU:: DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!



Selfish Guy:: This guy should probably be a subcatergory for "The Asshole" but this is a little different. He's kind of like the only child. He's nice but he has that selfishness about him. He only thinks about himself. It's always "me" in the relationship. Not "us".


Trial and Error:: If you like him that much, I guess he can be made to change. But if you're lazy like me.... meh... whatever.



The Leech:: He acts like he really loves you and moves in with you and he leeches off of you. He's jobless and is a slob at home. He takes you for granted and expects you to take care of his financial aspects. And the funny thing is those type of guys tend to cheat on you. He's a sucky version of a pimp (I'm just merely pointing out that he's a lowlife. Not that you're a prostitute :D)

DAD knows best:: My dad always said to watch out for that guy before you even think about moving in. Are you the one always paying? No matter how much you "love" him, get rid of him. It's for your own good. Just think of him as a disgusting, hairy, spider that you want to flatten with the bottom of your stilleto pumps.


Mr. Cheapass:: Okay, I'm talking about the guy who splits the bill because he's too stingy to pay for your dinner. Or he complains that the girl should pay because he paid for last week's dinner. I'm not saying a guy should go into debt or have to pay every single time. He should at least be willing to spend an x-amount of dollars. Having said that, I just think that a guy who complains about money shouldn't even have a girlfriend. Being forced to pay because Mr. Cheapass is throwing a hissy fit is not the same as wanting to treat the guy.

Hmmm:: If he tells you to pay, I would say that I'm going to the restroom, walk out of the restaurant, and never speak to him again.

Rolling Stone

Lookie, what have i got here. It's Blake and Leighton newest magazine cover shoot, and this time, they manage to land on the cover of ROLLING STONE magazine. They look incredibly gorgeous here and absolutely stunning and i was thinking, just moments ago, i have got to make a blog entry about this. And presumably 7 minutes later, here i am, blogging this post.

For those who doesn't know whose these girls are, they are the lead character in the Tv hit show series,Gossip Girl. Everyone loves GG.

They still look amazing eventhough there;s a bald dude in the middle.

And a few of the whole GG cast snapshots while having the time of their lives, pillow fighting.

Leighton Meester everyone.

XOXO

OMG T.T

allright, before i hit my bed.



there's just something i've been dying to tell u guys, been dying to just scream it out loud at the top of my lungs, since it has bottled up inside of me since yesterday night.. and normally i dun do this kinda stuff, so if ur gonna think tht im nuts, crazy, unstable, ect. pls bear in mind to overlook my this tiny tiny little flaw and don't judge me cos i don't normally do this,..



i've been going insane, crazy honestly.. it really is just too much to bear, too much to handle such news, and i guess im just gonna go ahead and do it before i chicken out again >_<





so here goes... *deep breath* EDWARD FREAKING CULLEN is damn fukking HOT IN this poster. like fukking madness HOTTTTTTTTTTT. so HOTTTTT tht i got all numb and mellow. no kidding. yea yea, call me typical, call me whatever, who cares. all i know is tht he is DAMN effing hot in here and its literally torturing meee. T.T







ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... i do feel better now, letting it all out. thank u so much ppl for reading my nonsense ranting..

kthxbai.

been tagged.. T.T

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: (COKE,4.30AM in the morning)
2. Last phone call: (Chris,asking me where the hell was i, but infact i was in the kitchen =.=)
3. Last text message: (Lily, asking me to go lepak with her)
4. Last song you listened to: (Jesse mccartney-How do u sleep)
5. Last time you cried: [NOW, just finish watching a sad ending on ugly betty]

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: (i wont call tht dating)
7. Been cheated on: (Nope)
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: (not really)
9. Lost someone special: (ya i did, people always leave)
10. Been depressed: (like duh!?)
11. Been drunk and threw up: (drunk? YEAH! threw up? NO NO)

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
12. PRISTINE WHITE
13. NAVY BLUE
14. RED

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend: (YES i have ^^)
16. Fallen out of love: (yes, but it doesnt matter)
17. Laughed until you cried: (yes)
18. Met someone who changed you: (not really, i am still who i am)
19. Found out who your true friends were: (no need for tht cos i alrd know who they r)
20. Found out someone was talking about you: (You are nobody until ur talked about)
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: (eeww. NO? XD)
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life?: (errr.. 80% or so)
23. How many kids do you want to have: ( 2 boys)
24. Do you have any pets: (err, if u call a pond full of fishes and tht attention seeking whore birds a pet, then i guess, yeah i do)
25. Do you want to change your name: (maybe?)
26. What did you do for your last birthday: (my dad took us all to japan,right b4 spm,and i got anything i wanted in tiffany's)
27. What time did you wake up today: (4pm)
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: (Online, chatting,eating,crapping)
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: (My own house?)

30. Last time you saw your Mother: (this morning,6.02am)
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: (i would change how things are currently now)
32. What are you listening to right now: (jesse mccartney again)
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: (errr.. no?)
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: (The attention whore birds tht r making alot of noises)
35. Most visited webpage: (Youtube)
36. Whats your real name: (christine)
37. Nicknames: (Chriss,Chrissy,tin tin=.=, baby girl =.=)
38. Relationship Status: (single)
39. Zodiac sign: (Scorpio,sheep/lamb)
40. Male or female?: (Female)

41. Elementary?: (honestly,i have forgotten)
42. Middle School?: (errr.. forgotten, really)
43. High school/college?: (smkbu)
44. Hair colour: (brownish, a few strands of golden-ish colour)
45. Long or short: (Long)
46. Height: (166cm i think)

47. Do you have a crush on someone?: (now? not really)
48: What do you like about yourself?: (my persistency sometimes)
49. Piercings: (a pair on my ears)
50. Tattoos: (dun have one now, but will one day)
51. Righty or lefty: (righty)

FIRSTS:
52. First surgery: (never i think)
53. First piercing: (when i was young,my momma trick me)
54. First best friend: (i only have one so far, nicole)

55. First sport you joined: (errr.. running on the field)
56. First vacation: (couldnt remember, but disneyland in tokyo i think)
58. First pair of trainers: (when i reach puberty? nah kidding, couldnt remember)

RIGHT NOW
59. Eating: (ate MCd just now)
60. Drinking: (plain old water)
61. I'm about to: (go sleeepp, heck, its 6am alrd=.=)
62. Listening to: (those damn attention seeking whore birdies)
63. Waiting on: (honestly? MY BED!!!!)

YOUR FUTURE:
64. Want kids?: (yeah)
65. Get Married?: (OF COURSE!)
66. Career?: (we'll see how things goes. jk. of course)

WHICH IS BETTER:
67. Lips or eyes: (EYES)
68. Hugs or kisses: (ME LIKE KISSY KISSY)
69. Shorter or taller: (Taller but not too tall)
70. Older or Younger: (OLder)

71. Romantic or spontaneous: (can it be romantic and spontaneous at the same time?)
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: (BOTH! dun mind me adding, legs too)
73. Sensitive or loud: (SENSITIVE)
74. Hook-up or relationship: (relationships)
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: (trouble maker is funnay)

HAVE YOU EVER:
76. Kissed a stranger: (so far no, but if ppl were to dare me, now thts gonna be a whole different answer now)
77. Drank hard liquor: (i dunno, is vodka all consider hard liquor?)
78. Lost glasses/contacts: (sunglasses yaaaaa. i broke it by sitting on it T.T)
79. Sex on first date: (NO)

80. Broken someone's heart: (yessss...)
82. Been arrested: (errr. not arrested but been caught before by the police)
83. Turned someone down: (yeah.. normal thing, no?)
84. Cried when someone died: (no no, i laugh my ass off when someone died. of cos i cried)
85. Fallen for a friend?: (err.. how can u have fallen for a stranger? he has to be ur friends 1st, no?)

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: (yeah i do, most of the time)
87. Miracles: (of course, eveything is possible)
88. Love at first sight: (In a way, yeah)
89. Heaven: (yes)
90. True love : (all the way, i believe in always and forever)
91. Kiss on the first date: (ah thts normal)
92. Angels: (Ofcourse, castiel :P)

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: (sigh.. in a way, yea)
95. Did you sing today?: (i always sing)
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: (sigh.. if u call tht cheating, well then, yea)
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: (i would go back to ammend the mistakes i have made)
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?: (it would be the day i thought i fallen in love with my ex, because it was wonderful)
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: (YES, VERY MUCH)
100. Posting this as 100 truths?: (ah im finally done, going to bed now. night ppl)

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Its raining. Couldn't be more perfect.. the finishing touch.

Sigh.

I guess this was it, for them. They just pick up and drove away without any goodbyes. And i don't think they'll be coming back. They are gone for good.

I love them since the day i know about them. I watched them go through so many struggle, obstacles and pain in life and finally,. finally, the worst have past and i know, starting from now, everything is going to be all right with them. It feels like a beginning of always. A promise. A reward for persisting through life so long alone. and finally, they have it.

It saddens me, but i couldn't think of a more perfect person in the world to deserve this than they do. I love them. And i wouldn't have it any other way.




I look at them and some how i feel safer. I don't know if i can explain that, but they give me hope.

Because, we all can use a little hope sometimes. That feeling that everything's is going to be okay and that there's going to be someone there to help make sure of that.

I wouldn't have it any other way for them. Sometimes happiness doesn't come from money or fame or power. Sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family and the quiet nobility of leading a good life. I wouldn't have it any other way.


__________________________________________________



I sat down and gaze around. In a room which i remembered clearly.

Matt : You think about him much?
Chriss : Every day.

hottie,bastards,idiots.. and friends.

im bored and i currently have a few minutes left to spare before my dinner. im cooking actually =.= for myself only, cos i cant eat those food on the table now. lost my appetite i guess.

anyway, last saturday, i and a bunch of my friends went out to yumcha, 1st the location was in MCD and then it shifted off to a mamak place but boy, was there ALOT of ppl tht showed up. i barely recognize half of them. there were just alot of ppl. we were all sitting in the mamak and u can easily see, our group is the biggest there. but i have fun seeing my old frens again as i miss them, some tht actually went off to college and they came home during the weekends and some who are actually too damn busy with their life.

i was sitting in the mamak and out of no where, 2 tables from ours, i sense tht someone was looking at me, i turn and stare and it was tht girl, it took me a while to remember who the hell is she. she looks awfully familiar but i cant seem to place her. and i asked one of my other friend and she told me, that's the twins from my old school, previous school. then only i realised ah, tht girl. i dun know why, she keep staring at me. wtf wei. i was busy talking to my friends, she keep on looking at me, not only look and then she turn aside and whisper to her guy friends or bf's or whatever about it and they all started to turn their head and look at me.

damn i just got so annoyed, i really did. so i look at them back, roll my eyes and do a mock grin. i think they were shocked for a moment, but they still look. bastards! =.=

nvm, before i actually let my temper get the best of me, out of no where, this hottie showed up. ok, i dun know him. but damn, was he hot.
he has like the sexiest body ever with the right muscles in place, is neither too big nor too small , is just purr-fect. and he was wearing a black shirt, and damn, it accents his body shape, line and muscles perfectly. i couldn't keep my eyes of him. i dun normally stare at guys. face it, its sorta their job. LOL.

and he was wearing this white bermuda crop pants. and with a cap too.
such handsome face he has, perfect feature. and i was nudging my friend to check him out. and she was like, frowning at me. asking me to concentrate, get my head in the game or something cos she was in the midst of telling me something important. so I did, i channel back my full concentration on her and out of no where i hear tht hottie speak and he was speaking in ENGLISH. damn! i just squealed in my sit and i was like telling my friend, omfg he speaks english too. now he has like the whole package. perfect! XD LOL.

so from time to time, i will occasionally glance at him and my fren, ya she did, she smack me in the forehead pulak. =.= i was lik, wth?? and she was *rolling her eyes*. damn. he was hot. :(

but i went home anyway, knowing me, its all just harmless fun, i wont take it to the next level. as i got up from my sit and went to the car, those bastards stare again. idiots.

i guess tht is all. time for my dinner now. Itadakimasu. ^^

golfing

A pool of dark freezing water.. ~

Dun mind me, was just ranting.


I woke up rather early today, cos my cous,C and J came to my house to past some stuff to my grandpappa n those idiots barged in my room n woke me up. they were like, "chriss honey, wake up, we're going out" n I told them, I can't cos I have other plans but.. Eventually I went with them too n cancel my plans cos they were all like, who could be more important than us?? *roll eyes*

But before I actually got up n go wash myself up, my bed n blanket all suddenly look so nice n soft n comfortable, like some sort of freaking marshmallow craze going on, n my room feels damn cold because of the air conditioner, 3 seconds later, I dooze off again. They were too busy admiring my wall I think to even noticed n finally they let me be forawhile. But I was always the nice one so I ask them to sleep with me. But they didn't, they just lay down n waited for me. They r sometimes real sweet, to me only tho. To others... Well thts a different story. Its nice to have that feeling sometimes, the feeling of being cradled n they do cradle me.

I woke up an hour later, J was downstairs with my grandmomma while C was playing games with his iPhone. I asked C, where r we going. Originally, they intend on going to pavillion n shop, but I told them, I think I had enough shopping experiences to last me a life time. I eventually suggested Golf out of no where.
surprisingly they r ok with it n I took my dad's golf club(hard time convincing my dad but he allowed in the end) , head back to my cous house to get their own set of golf club n I invited my uncle to come along. Cos frankly speaking, I suck, I need a proper guidance. We went to the course n boy. It was freaking tiring. DAmn it was hot. And damn,golf is hard. =.=

I honestly dun know wat on god's earth am I doing. -__-
Golf eventually took away the whole afternoon n evening n since I was that tired n I smell, I decided to go home cos my other uncle n aunts r coming over later.

Sigh.. Next time,go with the shopping. golf?! Really?

Goodnight. heading to bed now.

*on my bed blogging this*

the part of grace tht sucks.

the hardest time will always be in the night. when the sun goes down, when everyone is asleep, tht is when you can truly hear silence.

i come in here and i sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be. and so, i wish for patience, and grace, and strength to just let him be who he wants to be. mostly i pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what i want.


i know there's a reason for everything
that comes and goes

but so many ppl are looking to me
to be strong and to fight
but im just surviving
i may be weak but im never defeated
and i'll keep believing
in cloud with that sweet silver lining

most days, i try my best to put on a brave face
but inside, my bones are cold and my heart breaks
but all the while
there's something there keeping me safe and alive

i wont give up like this
i will be given strength
and now that Ive found it
nothing can take that away


chriss,

goodnight.

Always and almost forever

I can't accept that our story doesn't have a good ending.


"Our story already has the greatest ending, no matter what... because we're together."






















IT matters to me, its what got me here.

ah damn it.. lolli lolli pop baby

Thanks to my friend, A, the crazy bubbly biatch,who has finally succeeded in brain washing my delicate brain into listening to Korean songs..

the big bang, they r called.




not bad i would say, ya they have the looks, the style, ect.. and im addicted to their lollipop song now. its darn cute, the rhythm and such -.-

so every time, if u see me go,

"Lolli Lolli Lollipop Oh you’re my Lollipop
Lolli Lolli Lollipop Boy you’re my lollipop
Lolli lolli lollipop oh lolli-pop-pop"

do forgive me cos i cant seem to fukking stop. lol.

ah its 3.45 am now, as im writing this blog, i can hear my dad downstairs screaming at the tv again. guess MU is playing tonight. its his life,i tell ya.

anyway, i went over to A's house today and we bake, errr, cupcakes. it taste delicious cos i purposely add more cocoa powder into the bater without she looking, cos she was busy dancing to her Korean songs. supposedly, i should be following the instructions in the book but screw it, i follow my way, chrissy way and thank god tht it turn out well. is like once in a lifetime sorta thing going on. so im pretty amazed by it.


and then we settle down and watched slumdog millionaire. finally! i watched it. u know before this, when i heard the name slumdog millionaire, i kept on thinking the movie is about a bunch of black ppl playing basketball and try to make it to the nba or something. clearly something has gone wrong with my fukking brain. sigh. T.T


but the movie was nice, nicer than i have anticipated. it was touching and at the same time, very meaningful. couldnt help not noticing, but the movie is about love too in a way. the love tht revolves around fate and destiny. those kinda rare love you dun see everyday in real life. i admired tht. and i long for it somehow.


its been a long day and quite tiring frankly. cam whoring was also part of the activity today. snap snap snap. and my dad was like, girl, dun u know better than to post ur pics on the net?? and i was like, its for my fans daddy. haha. jk. cos i honestly dunno wat shit i said just now.


there;s just one more task to do before i hit the sack, i have been waiting for tht ever since i could remember, and its finally here. its finally here.

goodnight.





i dun know y, but i noticed, my cheeks are very rosy tonight. lol. night.

ergh... Confuse

confuse...

Chriss,.shook

Sigh,no worries, I get it straighten out

Fuck laa

2 months now

I just realised tht it has been 2 months now since the day he said those 3 words to me.
I did not realise it at 1st, but as I went n lie down on my bed, I was browsing through my phone inbox n accidentaly I press on the open button on one of his texts last time n there it is, those words. I stared at it n smile briefly n I look at the date, 11march 2009,4.14am .

Its been 2 months now as of yesterday,11 may2009.
its been 2 months now.

*on my bed,on my iPod,blogging this.

as of yesterday

yesterday was mother's day. what did i do huh? erm....well, i was not really in a rally or fiesta mood. for those who knows me, they know y. but it be bad to walk around at home and sulk or mop while they go out n have their family dinner. after all, it is mother's day and my godfather actually came all the way down here to join us. i couldn't stay at home for the fear of interrogation later. so i tidy up, clean myself up and make myself most presentable and i put on a smile. not a fake one, but a barely-there smile or whatever u call it.




we went to dinner, but before tht, i followed my dad to lavender's cos he thought of getting a cake for his mother, my grandmomma. ooooooo.. when i saw all the display cakes there, it make me wonder, when was the last time, i actually had one. it has always been chocolates and ice creams and cookies but cakes... no.... never....... then my expression when all dreamy and then i snap back into focus again cos my dad irritated me by asking me which one to get. ah. in the end, my dad bought 2 cakes. one is for me, personally. lol. like no kidding. because i told him, i really really wan cakes u know, and he was like, y cant u just share with others?. and i was like, no i dun wan to cos it wont be enough. in the end, he sigh and he agreed. so yay for me. finally.. after centuries of not eating cakes, my dad got me a half kg chocolate cake. and ya, i did it. i attack it with a spoon, alone, while everyone was looking at me. and i was like, oh c'mon, cut me some slack, is a difficult time for me.



and there;s still half of it left in the refrigerator, but no worries, im gonna attend to it soon. ^^




then when we finally got back from dinner, everyone was hanging out at my house. but damn i was seriously feeling hot and sweaty, the heat is killing me. so i went to change into my nightwear , thinking tht, i really dun intend to go down and join them watching football while drinking. i decided to just hang out in my room and just lie down on the bed under the air conditioner,cfc. but my darling cous just wont leave me alone, so they too, just stays in my room,hanging out and reading what i wrote on my god damn wall.. and then all of a sudden they started taking pictures of me doing N-O-T-H-I-N-G on the bed.. ok maybe not nothing, i was actually sketching.















these r all r self picture taking. its dark, u cant see a thing, but wat u can see is tht my wall, my purple wall, is all plaster with words. sigh...
















P.S i swear to god, the cake is practically calling my name, chrissy.... lol

cant sleep. too much

god damn it.. its 5 am in the morning, and i stilllll caannnnntttt sleeeeppp.

wth is wrong with me? my freaking mind..

sigh...

too much too bear.. it hurts.

its tiring.

just silence.

my dad used to be very close to me, it was like our little secret. and every night he'd come in and he'd tuck me in and he'd kiss me on the forehead telling me tht he loves me. but no more now. he sort of left. not physically but spiritually n emotionally i guess.

i remember lying in bed for the first time and just feeling silence, you know. then realizing for the rest of my life that it was gone,everything was gone , his voice and the way it used to soothe me, just all of it. so i guess i tried to find new songs to fill that quiet, but none of them ever really have. Everyone;s is gone . There's just silence...There's just silence.

sigh.... conflicted

i woke up today, feeling hungover a bit.. dun know y, probably laugh too much yesterday, its basically a mixture of emo-ness & craziness. 4am, and i was still hyperactive. lol.

sighh.. yesterday, again we argue.. sometimes, i just need him to be tht person for me, and he cant, he failed to. is not like im asking him to go the distant for me, i just wan him to be tht guy. shook. but he is no more tht guy, n tht is when i felt tht everything has changed. i try to make him see my views and end up, argument erupted. is like, we cant agree on the same thing anymore. what has happened? i dun know. i really dun. but i did try to make things better, i think i did. but it never gotten any good so.... i started to doubt this relationship, him, feeling insecure n such.. u know the drill la.

yesterday, i was alrd thinking, the moment he walk away from me, dun know la, go have some fresh air it seems,. i was alrd thinking, but i was too afraid to say anything or even dare to think further because i was afraid of the outcome. i never like, endings like tht. i was scared, for myself and especially for my heart. so i slept it off , hoping, tht in some hope left in the world or anything tht, things be better soon. but i think i alrd knew the answer all along. in a way i dun feel tht much remorse today, because i know my heart is conflicted. 2 guys.. sigh.

tht's the thing.. there's this other guy, my 1st guy.

i remember writing a letter to him,. send it via-email,cos someone suggested it.

apparently,im doing this now. lol. someone actually pop me this idea and i was like,why not. sometimes is easier to write what we wanna say rather than saying it out loud. Sometimes people write the things that they can't say.

lately.. i feel like we r drifting apart. dun say i think too much,because im not,it just feels tht way. i feel like,im holding on to this relationship for dear life. i feel like, lately, im the only who's putting effort into this relationship and want this relationship. but it never seems like u want it and thus, i even have to ask u whether do u want it still.

ppl changed. i used to remember,during earlier times, you were so sweet, when i was stil hurt and troubled by my past relationship, you were there for me, you held out ur hand and i took it without realising and i felt hope. you make me open up my heart. yes i admit, i was reluctant at first,because i was scared. i was scared of letting ppl in.because giving ur heart to somebody, thts the scary part. but eventually i did, i learn to trust u, i felt so comfortable with u, i learn to open up my heart and let u in. the point is, i was so scared that night, i was falling in love and i was so unsure and i did it. and while it hasn't been easy, it has been everything.

baby, i give u my heart, i give u my everything, i dun know wat else to give. i dun know whether is it enough for u. we go days without having a meaningful conversation sometimes and i used to miss u so much when tht happens. but do u ever miss me?

baby, work , everytime, when i see, u have to work during the nights,especially during 3 or 4 am still, u think it doesnt affect me but im actually watching and listening to u with my heart full of concerns. i know, u have no choice but to do so, but i still bear with u everytime. because i chose to, because i want to, because i care.

this is just who i am. the part of grace. im loyal and im really commited to the person i love. sigh..

someonce once told me;it's been said that there is one word that will free us from the weight and pain of life. and, that word is love, and i believe that. it doesn't mean that it hasn't been hard or that it won't be. it just means that i found a stillness and bravery in myself with you.

and that is why i love him.


alot has happened today, he finally told me stuff tht i wanna hear but no matter, its too late now, it doesnt change a thing. sigh.. he said, i cheated, but did i really?? i dun know, cos i thought things were over between us. i thought it was fine to find other distractions. which i did.
im not proud, nor am i glad. im actually much more upset with the actions tht i have taken rather than feeling my despair tht things ended with tht guy. conflicted heart.

i have not moved on, although u said, i have. but i'll try. everything will be allright.

how is it even possible to have 2 person in one's heart?

we never had tht talk, because i was afraid, i thought u were gonna hurt me.i was afraid of getting my heart broken again, .like before. cause it hurt so bad the last time and i was afraid to be vulnerable again. i was afraid of you and the way that you make me feel. and i know that doesn't matter now, after what i did, but i just thought that you should know.


but i guess its always been like this, wanting to be loved... to find someone that makes your heart ache in a good way.

what else is there to write about?

i have come a long way, since the person i used to be.

ppl changed. and sometimes, it leaves u in great despair and ache knowing tht, u used to know this guy and he changed.. sometimes it really sucks, having to have tht feeling.
but i learned today from someone tht, ppl changed. is just part of life, part of the circle of life.

is not the matter tht he changed, matters, is tht, at the end of the day, is he worth it? is he worth fighting for and is he worth all ur time and love and effort?

to be able to know all these, we put them to the test, only time can tell.

lately, it hasnt been easy for me. nor to him. lately, there';s just too much crap tht has been catching up to us. i try. i try to stay strong, keep my head cool, my heart open, my mind close. i tried. but i failed, n because of tht, i felt really weak and vulnerable.

sigh...

someone actually just told me, i feel its gonna work out for u. i feel tht its gonna be worth it, at the end of the day. and i smile.

loosing ur heart desire is one thing. but giving ur heart to somebody else, thts the scary part.


im not going anywhere, i care and i love him. if tht is not enough, then i dun know wat is. u tell me.