To those lost souls..

Yesterday, something did happened. something tht is enough to trigger me emotionally and it brings me down. i just couldnt bear to stay at home today, so i called up A, and decided to go to my 2nd home, starbucks. sigh. i know... we hang out there, was kinda cold due to the weather and alrd i was wearing my boxer shorts and my tank top, basically my sleeping attire. typical me i guess. i was really not in a mood to changed or look nice, so who cares. just wear whatever i have on, and get out of the freaking house.

finally we were at starbucks and the usual, we hang out n chill and we talk. and M called me all of a sudden, asked me where i was. i told him tht we were at starbucks and he said ok, he's coming over. ahhh M.. he's a nice guy. well atleast to me he is. to others.... well, not really cos he's pretty mean and violent in a way. but to us girls, he's nice. and i guess, thts all it matters.
M and A were talking while i just got to dump my problem on someone, so i chose A, not my fren A, but one of the worker at starbucks who happens to be my close fren too.

he such a child sometimes honestly, but in a way, despite his behaviour, he's a very close fren of mine and i appreciate him. im grateful. he helped me, he advice me, and make me see sense. and although i had to admit it, but he;s right. but tht doesnt changed the fact tht im still sad and depress and i just couldnt stop thinking about it. even after A and M went home, i did not want to go home just yet, i wanna stay there because maybe there's something about this place tht really calms me down, or maybe its the company. it soothing until the fact tht i fell asleep at one of the couch there while reading my book. woke up, an hour later, having listening to A tht, a customer was asking, did i run away from home? lol. hilarious. cant ppl sleep in public anymore? well, maybe not. but its startbucks, its like my 2nd home. so who cares right?
hell, i even walk bare footed all over the place, thinking i do own the place.

sigh.. its 1.30 am in the morning, and im still thinking about it. guess, i can never really stop thinking bout it. i said, i was gonna bear with him. and im gonna do it.

to those lost souls who have really forget to believe in the immensity of love, i do feel sorry for u.

despite everything, despite the hell i have been through. always putting ur heart on the line but at the end of the day, dissapointment and hurt is all u get. but it doesnt matter. tht doesnt mean i should give up and run away and lost my hope and faith in it.

You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and the pain is really healing and beautiful and sort of poetic? It's not. It's just garbage and it's pain. You know what's better? Love. The day that you start thinking that love is overrated is the day that you're wrong. The only thing wrong with love and faith and belief is not having it.

someonce once said to me,

The world u desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It's yours.

not my day--

my best friend,N. she decided to come down all the way from bukit bintang to visit me since the last time i saw her was during spm result day. i miss her so therefore, i ask her to come down and we shall hang out, chill and do girl's stuff together.

D, her guy, fetch her all the way from bb to my house. what a sweetheart right? i really thought, we will just be hanging out in my room, didnt thought tht we will be going out. so.... i woke up late of course, and she came barging in to my room and started teasing, "chriss u ass, faster get up,we r going out now". i was like, ???????? .damn, so i got up, quickly put something on and follow her out of the gate, into D's car. as we were on the way to starbucks. lol. i really dun know why, but it has always been starbucks. everything was fine, and normal, making jokes, crap alot, i was cursing mostly because i was seriously not awake yet. and then all of a sudden, D's new PDA was beeping and N took the PDA and found out tht it was a text msg . and she opened it and found out tht this girl has been sending sweet sweet msgs to him, such as calling him darling and such. basically,very lovey-dovey and trust me, there;s something there.

she was shocked, and she asked him, who the hell is tht? he was alrd tense and panic, i noticed.
and he claims tht she is his cousin sister and whatever crap and she;s only like 12.
i mean, wtf. !!!!!!!!!!! how dumb u think N is? clearly he was lying and he was silent all the way to the mall. N was piss off, and she came to the conclusion tht D , is cheating on her.

what has happened throughout the day is private, therefore, i cant spill it all on a public blog. but basically, its not a happy ending. its pretty messy in the end. and tht is enough to ruin my mood. sigh.. seeing N, being hurt and upset. it upsets me too.

and i thought tht was all the drama for today, when i decided to go to the toilet, it so happens, i saw my ex, and his gf there. i was like , shit. shit. shit. i mean , this is the 1st time, i saw the girl he cheated on with me. god. i was like cursing and cursing. its weird seeing him with her. i mean, is not like i care anymore, is not like i want him anymore, but i just cant deny tht, it really disturbed me. my mind was seriously blank and my mood became gloomy. i dun know y. i never expected it to be like this. is not like, i want him tht way. hell no. .
but it did troubled me.

today was not a good day. my mind is troubled, my mood is tense. i felt despair actually. its sad.
i wish to sleep it off. and u know wat, i am going to do tht now. goodnight ppl.

another one

i remembered just a few post back, i wrote about the "guy" tht will propose to me, in my dream of course and i can see,visualize my future with him. apparently all tht feeling is gone now. in a way. the feeling of calm,sweetness,warmth, security,comfort of being with "that" guy has faded.

i always see my life as like a cold/freezing pool of water, and be careful before even trying to dip your feet into it. but apparently, no one listens. sigh.

remembered a few post back, i wrote, this year, I got everything I wanted and everything I wished for. But in a way, I lost even more?

yes i did. Yeah, losing your heart’s desire is tragic. But gaining your heart’s desire... It’s all you can hope for.

This year, I wished for love. To immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic… then give me tragedy. Because, I wouldn’t give it back for the world.

result

oh dear god. result is out and its bad.

but life goes on,. and who cares.

lol. i am tht carefree.

HERVE LEGER. something i just gotta brag about

i have always love HERVE LEGER collection of dresses from BCBG MAX AZRIA. and i love bcbg itself. their style is always unique and gorgeous.

but i gotta say, my up most favourite, hell, it even beat marc jacobs and galliano off the top, it will be herve leger collection . and oh god, his iconic bandage dress is the simply phenomenon.

its amazing and it really caught my attention. of course, dresses like these, are practically like haute couture and the price starts at the very least from $1.5k US DOLLARS. but the dress tht i adore, cost at least $11k at saks 5th avenue. *chuckles* . i know, it cost quite a fortune. but still, the dress is practically iconic. i wouldn;t mind spending.

here are a few examples of herve leger collection bandage dresses, wore by models and celebs.
























simply iconic isn't it? i know. i would agree whole heartedly too. guess, i gotta wait for some time before being able to get this dress. i mean, sure, pushing my dad is all right, but lets not push him off the cliff shall we? i still need him.

but no denying tht its gorgeous.

grave day is approaching.

yes, some would call it a grave day but i only see it like its any other day. no biggie, no big deal.
but yet, yet, people are freak out about it. tantrums, paranoia, anxiety, ect ect.

yes, spm result is coming out. on 12 march.

honestly, seriously, am i the only one in this world tht could care less about it?? im not even thinking about it. why go stress yourself babe? leave it. what is done, its done. no point regretting, how suck u screw up in ur bio paper or how terrible u wrote ur essay for ur english paper. done is done. no point moping, regretting,...

be like me, care free, couldn;t care less, dun give a damn.

i have come a long way now and honestly, there are much more important things than spm results. maybe that is why, im not freaking out like others. or maybe the realisation haven;t kick in yet.

is not that i expect much, but just as long as i really really dun intend to fail. whatever is it, just not fail and hopefully, i can get an acceptable grades tht is approve by my parents.

i think. i think. i might be going out on a date on tht very day too. lol. oh this guy. what am i doing really?? having flings now? open relationship? scandal? that is not who i am. it seems so wrong but yet it feels so good.

however, it is banned by many ppl, both my ex's, my close friends. they were like, no! don't u go have flings, because its stupid, its not safe, its pointless, its not you, bla bla and bla.

and there are some who said, this is who i am all along. having flings is my natural talent. and if i dun honour it, it be such a waste. they said, this is the life im supposed to live all along. its time i live up to it.

but u know what,

"Someone once said; 'It’s the good girls who keep diaries. The bad girls never have the time. Me… I just wanna live a life I’m gonna remember. Even if I don’t write it down.'"

The ring that always have been and will be

For those who might not know what LUCIDA is. It's the name of one of the range of rings from TIFFANY'S & CO.


you see, they have several types of collection of rings there such as etoile,tiffany's setting, novo,emerald cut and such.


i have been back and forth from the tiffany's store in pavillion. usually, i send my silver for polishing, or i buy something, or refill the ink for my tiffany luxury pen, or watch my aunt splurge on diamonds or platinum items there.



knowing my aunt, she can spend like half a day there in tiffanys store, and it was tht time, i came across the collection of engagement rings. the lady know who i was, cos i've been there like so many times, so she entertained me. telling me the descriptions for all the engagement rings there. i even tried on a few because she insisted, i tried on etoile, novo, tiffany's setting, lucida, and it all sort of carats. the largest carat there was 3 point something. and it's over 300 thousand i think. but i had my fun, admiring it.


my best friend, N, was there too. she was admiring.. well, other stuff. but i can tell she admire the biggest diamond. anything will do as long as its the biggest diamond for her.


but for me, its not. i look for the perfect band, cut, clarity and it doesnt have to be big diamonds more than 4 or 5 carat. just simple one and the right one.

so i stumbled across this range, LUCIDA, it was called. it's perfect. i had it on my finger, and i know tht is the one. it was perfect. the cut, clarity, carat, everything, just blends in, as if, it belongs on my finger all along. excatly 2 carat. it may not be big, but its perfect. no decimal points. exactly, precisely 2 carat.



as below, LUCIDA ENGAGEMENT RING






and here are the rest of the collection. just for the fun of it.


THE TIFFANY SETTING



TIFFANY CLASSIC EMERALD CUT




TIFFANY NOVO




TIFFANY ETOILE




TIFFANY ROUND CHANNEL SETTING








TIFFANY THREE STONE SETTING





TIFFANY LEGACY







it was the same ring in my dream, LUCIDA. the ring tht always have been and will be.

how i start my day..

how do i start my day? i woke up, and there he is, serenading and grinning all over, saying

"Hey baby girl, I've been watching you all day. I know you got a man but this is what you should say, why don't you tell him that I'm leavin' never looking back again. You found somebody who does it better than he can .No more making you cry .No more them gray skies. And we're leavin' never looking back again"

yes i deserve nothing but the best. it so seems.

i had a dream yesterday. a mesmerising one i guess.

i was at starbucks (as usual..again..always), i was sitting at the place where i usually sits,and i was wearing this white cotton sundress i guess, with my tiffanys cuff on my left hand and my juicy couture velour bag.
In a way, i was waiting for someone i guess. i did not order anything. i was all cheerful and all smiley. i do not know why. and then suddenly, somebody show up from the back and cover my eyes with his hands, and whispered in my ear "Guess who?".
ahh, that familiar scent, that familiar touch, i know who is it already, he was the guy tht i have been waiting all the while. i smiled, guess his name, and i got up and gave him a kiss. (it so seems tht is our trademark,kissing).
he was all grinning and light and happy,we then make a swift kiss and he grab my hand and pull me to the counter to order. I order something different, this raspberry thingy because the colour is lovely, and he too order the same.
and that was all i intend to order cos i was not really hungry. but he insisted me to order something to eat. i told him, its all right, i don;t feel like eating. but he insist, he was all grinning and showing me tht cute puppy eyes of his, i sigh of course, i was curious why the sudden enthusiasm, but i did not ask further.
i was deciding what to get, either a cinnamon bun or a banana chocolate chip muffin, but he then insisted me to get the Shepperd pie again. (my favourite pie in the whole world). he was acting strangely, but good strange i guess, because he was all happy n smiling. in the end, i did take the Shepperd pie.

i then went back and sit at my usual table, he arrived shortly later bringing the drinks and the food. he sat across of me, and i took the fork and i scoop out the smash potato tht was on top of the pie. it was nice, as always. i fed him some. but all the while he was looking at me and while i was eating. he was all grinning. god, if his smile isn;t tht cute, i might choked him instead.

slowly and slowly i dig through my pie and slowly chewing it, suddenly, i saw some thing hard and glistening in the pie, inside of my pie!! i pick it out, and guess what it is? It's a ring of cos.
an engagement ring. the very same ring, i had it on my hand tht day when i was trying it on in the tiffanys store in pavillion. excatly the same one, its called LUCIDA and excatly 2 Carat, perfect clarity, perfect cut, no decimal points even. perfect, and gorgeous as it is.

i GASPED frantically of course, i was shocked and blur. ppl around us, were looking at me, why suddenly i gasped, even the workers stop n look at my direction. i caught the eye of my worker friends there and they all look puzzled. i then look at him, and he was calm and smiling, he then took the ring from my hand, and went to the counter there and asked one of the workers there to wash it up. all tht while, i was just speechless, and sitting on my sit and gazing at him. my heart was beating like madness. i was out of breath obviously. he then took the tissue and dry up the ring, and he walk over to where i was sitting. several ppl , besides us, notice what was going on, i guess, and they turned to look. he came over to where i was sitting, he kneel down, he took my hand, and he looked up at me and said tht "i was now and would always be in love with you, marry me?"

i look at him, all sincere and smiley, i saw my life with this guy, i love this guy, i would one day. i would fall in love with him one day. and i say ,YES.

THE TIDE THAT LEFT AND NEVER CAME BACK

And Hansel said to Gretel, 'Let us drop these breadcrumbs... so that together we find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruel of things.' This year.. I lost my way.

And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But, losing your reason for the journey... is a fate more cruel."

The journey lasted a few months. Sometimes I traveled alone, sometimes, there were others who took the wheel -- and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn’t me who arrived...it wasn't me at all.

And once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be... or lose that person completely.

Suddenly everything has changed

This year, I got everything I wanted and everything I wished for. But in a way, I think i lost even more.

N and i broke up last year,beginning of december. shortly right after my spm. but why broke up since everyone think we are like the perfect couple?
because it just came to a point where i realised that, he is just not the one and i love the idea of him. not him for who he is but the idea of him.
and im at that point where i just cant lie to myself anymore, if i were to keep going on, he was alrd mapping out his entire life with me. he was going to propose and he's ready to take care of me and spend the rest of his life with me forever. hell, i know my parents wouldn't mind since they practically adored him and trust him whole heartedly. guess, getting engaged is plan A. then plan B, is college to them.
Like i said, it came to a point where its not fair if i keep lying to myself and to him. so i ended it with him. that few days of breaking up was terrible, he was hurt, but he respected my decision and wants me to be happy. and now he's gone. after the break up, he just disappear, and now he's back at Australia again. i haven't seen or talk to him since then.

but his last words was,

"I was reminded today in a roundabout way that the most perfect act of love is sacrifice. I love you Christine. And I think I have since the first moment we locked eyes and it is going to suck but if what you want is for me to let go then I'm gonna do it. Be happy love. I want that with all my heart."

and he was gone. people always leave.


but that's not the worst. at one point, i got so sick of everything in my world. i was tired and frustrated that i stray away . i had to. i cut out all the connections i had, off my phone, everything.

and i started doing everything alone. i went out alone, i go to the movies alone, i had my dinner alone, for that few weeks, that was how my life was. until i went to starbucks, like literally everyday, just hanging out and be by myself. and i met a guy there. boy he was different. he made me laugh, he made all my despair and burden to fade away. i enjoy talking to him, he bugs me like every time but it don't no matter, because he made me happy, he made me laugh after everything that had happened. he was my safe harbor. i felt light and i was grinning all over when im with him.

but he and i are from a different world. way different. he's from that end and im from this end.
little do i know, he fell for me. when that moment arrived, i was prepare to leave again because i cannot deal with all these anymore. i don't love him, i only think of him as a friend and tht was all. but at the same time, i couldn't bring myself to leave because he was my safe harbor, he made me happy, he made me smile, he put all those ache and burden away and i needed him. i was selfish. i was.

i came to a point again, where i deserved so much better. all my friends has been saying so. i deserved a so much better guy, someone like N again. guess that what love is, you are blinded by it. you love someone that much,and all the flaws and everything just blend away.
but now, i realised that i deserve better, someone once told me, i am destined for greatness and i just don't know it yet. persistent as i was, believing in miracles, believing everything is possible, never give up, but........

and tht is when i noticed, everything has changed. i have changed. i saw myself in the mirror and i don;t recognise her anymore. i told to several ppl, and they were all shocked by what i have done, the actions i taken that night. i told to one of my ex, he was lost for words, he said, he dun know me anymore and who i have become. they all asked me to change. better change.

but im not sure i can. suddenly, everything has changed.