Hey guys, i just realised that i have a blog and now... shoot me already.
Well, i guess it's been a habit of mine to abandon stuff that i don't really care. Maybe that just me, i don't really appreciate what i have until it is gone. But i can tell you this much, i never regretted the decision i made so far and i believe nothing is ever gone entirely. There will always be traces that is left behind that is always gonna remind you, this thing happened and it's gonna be there forever. Its never really gone entirely, isn't it?
The year is ending, 2009 is ending very soon. I see some people, this year for them is the best year of their lives and they are actually sad that is going to be over and then, there are some people who claimed this is the worst year of their lives and they can't wait for it to be over. But what about me?
This year, i got everything i wanted and everything i wished for.. but, in a way, i lost even more.
But that doesn't mean that it has been a real crappy year for me, in many ways i can still appreciate and find the blissfulness of happiness and memories throughout this year and hold on onto it. Its just a simple reminder that is not so bad after all because i know i have given everything i've got. For what is worth, i believe what you give is what you get in return.
This year, i wished for love. To immerse myself in someone else and to wake a hear long afraid to feel. Despite the turn of event, the rise of difficult circumstances and the rise of heartaches and despair even stronger than ever . My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic.. then give me tragedy. Because, i wouldnt give it back for the world.
Right now i'm with a guy that i couldn't possibly love more and i'm happy. But I guess its always been that way.. wanting to be loved... to find someone that makes your heart ache in a good way. And i have that, and i wouldn't even for a second give it back for the world.
The rest of your life is a long time and whether, you know it or not it's being shaped right now. You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate or bad luck or bad choices, or you can fight back. Things aren't always going to be fair in the real world, that's just the way it is, but for the most part you get what you give. Let me ask you a question. What's worse: not getting everything you wished for or getting it but finding out it's not enough? The rest of your life is being shaped right now with the dreams you chase, the choices you make and the person you decide to be. The rest of your life is a long time and the rest of your life starts right now.
This year has been a great year and i'm sure the next one is going to be just as great. My belief for that will help create the fact.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
I PHAILLLL
honestly ppl, its beeeen 9 freaking asss months alrd and i still have not decided what to do with my future. -_______________- yea of cos i can tell u wat i want, stuff like, a chanel bag, a diamond engagement ring from tiffanys *cough* *cough*, a samoyed puppy, RYAN REYNOLDS!!! and bla bla bla.
But honestly ppl, when it comes to future planning, as in what freaking course i wanna take, i cant seeeem to blardddy decide. DAMN. its beeen whole 9 months now. and i honestly think mai brain died during march or april this year. -_____-
is not lik i dun have a passsion for anything, i DO! and its sumthing to do with fashion, but meh. nearly went to LKW a few months ago, got a panic attack in the car and turn back. =/ don't ask.
memang EPIC PHAIL la me.
and soooo a few months had past n now im still weighing mai blarddy options tht my dad so kindly lay it out for me just now.
a) PJ
b) Hong Kong
c) Singapore
d) US ( dad seeems reluctant tho) cause to his reluctance ---------> CHRIS THE CULPRIT!
i don't know if i have the strength and heart in me to leave malaysia, to leave my love ones behind. it seeems terrifying n strange n alone. it seems.... insignificant somehow.
Im getting mai arse to PJCAD tomoroo anyway to check out the place, talk to the counsellor and hit on the hot hot lecturer. teee heee ~ Gd night ppl (:
But honestly ppl, when it comes to future planning, as in what freaking course i wanna take, i cant seeeem to blardddy decide. DAMN. its beeen whole 9 months now. and i honestly think mai brain died during march or april this year. -_____-
is not lik i dun have a passsion for anything, i DO! and its sumthing to do with fashion, but meh. nearly went to LKW a few months ago, got a panic attack in the car and turn back. =/ don't ask.
memang EPIC PHAIL la me.
and soooo a few months had past n now im still weighing mai blarddy options tht my dad so kindly lay it out for me just now.
a) PJ
b) Hong Kong
c) Singapore
d) US ( dad seeems reluctant tho) cause to his reluctance ---------> CHRIS THE CULPRIT!
i don't know if i have the strength and heart in me to leave malaysia, to leave my love ones behind. it seeems terrifying n strange n alone. it seems.... insignificant somehow.
Im getting mai arse to PJCAD tomoroo anyway to check out the place, talk to the counsellor and hit on the hot hot lecturer. teee heee ~ Gd night ppl (:
Thursday, September 3, 2009
blank.
HECK, i almost forgotten my password to this blog. guess its beeen a while since i last blog :D
sooooooooooo.... i reallly dun know wat shit i'm gonna blog about at the mean time, i've decided to blog about thoseee tag items that ppl randomly tag me in FB. teeheee~ :D
1. How old are you?
17+ (soon to be 18 in november time)
2. Are you single?
officialy yes, but no, i'm not available no more.
3. At what age do you think you'll get married?
plsssssssss let it be nowwwww.. *cross mai fingers*
4. Do you think you'll be marrying the person you are with now?
I sincerely hope so :)
5. If not, who do you want to marry??
RYANNNNNNN REYNOLDDDDDDDDDDS!!!
6. Who will be your bridesmaid & best man??
Nicole is mai bridesmaid and Tracy is his best man =/ (tracyyy the beloved doggie)
7. Do you want a garden/beach or traditional wedding?
An outdooor garden weddding, somewhere in the meadow full of greeens n flowers.
8. Where do you plan to go on honeymoon?
Paris, Rome, Italy?
9. How many guests do you think you'll invite?
its gonna be very exclusive! traii getting on mai list =P
10. Will that include your exes?
if they plomiseee too bring me presssie :D
11. How many layers of cake do you want?
its gonna be like the eiffel tower! mind u.
12. When do you want to get married, morning or evening?
EVENINGGGG seeems nice.
13. Name the song/tune you'd like to play at your wedding.
=/ *shrug*
14. Do you prefer fine dining or just normal spoon,fork and knife?
FINE DINING pls.
15. Champagne or red wine?
CHAMPAGNEEEEEE!
16. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
HELL yea!
17. Money or household items?
i get back to u on tht one.
18. How many kids would you like to have?
2. mai 2 boys but......... prolly another gurl too =/
19. Will you record your honeymoon in DVD/CD?
why of cos.
20. Whose wedding plan would you like to know next?
NICOLE! but thatbitch aint gonna get marry b4 i do. :D
There;s still lots of tagss but i lazeeeeeeeeyyyyy :(
sooooooooooo.... i reallly dun know wat shit i'm gonna blog about at the mean time, i've decided to blog about thoseee tag items that ppl randomly tag me in FB. teeheee~ :D
1. How old are you?
17+ (soon to be 18 in november time)
2. Are you single?
officialy yes, but no, i'm not available no more.
3. At what age do you think you'll get married?
plsssssssss let it be nowwwww.. *cross mai fingers*
4. Do you think you'll be marrying the person you are with now?
I sincerely hope so :)
5. If not, who do you want to marry??
RYANNNNNNN REYNOLDDDDDDDDDDS!!!
6. Who will be your bridesmaid & best man??
Nicole is mai bridesmaid and Tracy is his best man =/ (tracyyy the beloved doggie)
7. Do you want a garden/beach or traditional wedding?
An outdooor garden weddding, somewhere in the meadow full of greeens n flowers.
8. Where do you plan to go on honeymoon?
Paris, Rome, Italy?
9. How many guests do you think you'll invite?
its gonna be very exclusive! traii getting on mai list =P
10. Will that include your exes?
if they plomiseee too bring me presssie :D
11. How many layers of cake do you want?
its gonna be like the eiffel tower! mind u.
12. When do you want to get married, morning or evening?
EVENINGGGG seeems nice.
13. Name the song/tune you'd like to play at your wedding.
=/ *shrug*
14. Do you prefer fine dining or just normal spoon,fork and knife?
FINE DINING pls.
15. Champagne or red wine?
CHAMPAGNEEEEEE!
16. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
HELL yea!
17. Money or household items?
i get back to u on tht one.
18. How many kids would you like to have?
2. mai 2 boys but......... prolly another gurl too =/
19. Will you record your honeymoon in DVD/CD?
why of cos.
20. Whose wedding plan would you like to know next?
NICOLE! but thatbitch aint gonna get marry b4 i do. :D
There;s still lots of tagss but i lazeeeeeeeeyyyyy :(
Monday, June 15, 2009
saturday day out
SATURDAY, lily,cy and I went for karaoke at the aeon mall, it was not bad. i had fun hanging out with them altho they were bullying me most of the time saying tht i have gain weight T.T
Which indeed i have, but tht is only because i lurveeeeee FOOD so much! DAMN, I like eating ppl! so forgive me for my flawwwws =.= But anyhow, they are right, i better control the amount of food i'm taking per day or else im gonna end up looking like a hippo. god forbids!
After singing our asses off at greenbox, Cy wanted to go and wash some of her pics at harvey norman. I was fascinated by it, by the process of bluetoothing your pictures into the machine and WAH LA! ur pic is printed out.. isn't tht awesome? i was so fascinated by it tht i decided to try for myself too and ended up, i wash a total of 11 random pics from my phone tht day. And now i honestly dun know what the hell i'm gonna do with them .
Which indeed i have, but tht is only because i lurveeeeee FOOD so much! DAMN, I like eating ppl! so forgive me for my flawwwws =.= But anyhow, they are right, i better control the amount of food i'm taking per day or else im gonna end up looking like a hippo. god forbids!
After singing our asses off at greenbox, Cy wanted to go and wash some of her pics at harvey norman. I was fascinated by it, by the process of bluetoothing your pictures into the machine and WAH LA! ur pic is printed out.. isn't tht awesome? i was so fascinated by it tht i decided to try for myself too and ended up, i wash a total of 11 random pics from my phone tht day. And now i honestly dun know what the hell i'm gonna do with them .
While at harvey norman, there's like a bunch of display beds tht is for sale considering harvey norman is sorta like your next door furniture store. and just seeing the bed makes me all gooey and mellow inside and all i wanna do is just to fall on it and never to rise up again.
however, such event did not occur due to the stupid stupid guard wouldnt let us to even sit on the bed. let alone lie spread angled on it.
I was furious and i remember telling my frens, "i'm gonna go over there right now and give him a piece of my mind!." AGAIN, such event did not occur, cos they sorta manhandle me not to.
Man, if i were just hanging out with the right crowd. i swear, it be like christmas has arrive early just for me.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
It's a darn better sight than her hogwarts school uniform
I suddenly have the urge to grab my bag, my ipod, my coat and my 4 inch heels and storm out of the house right now to PAVILLION burberry store. I swear, but what's stopping me right now is, its freaking 3am in the morning and i'm positively sure even such high end couture store doesn't open for 24 hours.
Emma Watson has indeed become the new face for the BURBERRY new autumn/winter collection for 2009/10. Look like someone's all grown up now and has finally swap her HOGWARTS school uniform for something more sophisticated but nevertheless, she looks absolutely stunning here. I do think that she's far more attractive here than kate moss during her burberry days. Kate moss reminds me of a naked poodle somehow.
Ever notice, most burberry men in their ads always look so ghastly to me.
Sigh.. their trench coats are beautiful. I'm seriously having an internal battle within me should i get one or not? Since i alrd have a few coats to spare and is not even COLD here =.=
It has been awhile since i last shop. but yea, glad to see tht i still have it in me.
Goodnight ppl.
Emma Watson has indeed become the new face for the BURBERRY new autumn/winter collection for 2009/10. Look like someone's all grown up now and has finally swap her HOGWARTS school uniform for something more sophisticated but nevertheless, she looks absolutely stunning here. I do think that she's far more attractive here than kate moss during her burberry days. Kate moss reminds me of a naked poodle somehow.
Ever notice, most burberry men in their ads always look so ghastly to me.
Sigh.. their trench coats are beautiful. I'm seriously having an internal battle within me should i get one or not? Since i alrd have a few coats to spare and is not even COLD here =.=
It has been awhile since i last shop. but yea, glad to see tht i still have it in me.
Goodnight ppl.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
PEACEFUL MORNING
Ok I'm done seducing a guy so i guess it's breakfast time , no? Isn't it like a tradition or legacy or something that has been past down by generations and generations just like those fugly priceless objects they like to call it as heirlooms? 1st to seduce and then to eat.
Anyway, for the 10000 times alrd. The attention whore seeking birds are tearing their way into my thin frosted glass mind which i like to refer metaphorically to as my "patience" level.
I now realises how important breakfast is. I used to skip them and went straight ahead to lunch, tea time, dinner, & supper. And now finally, it seems like the world is spinning in it's own accord and the right direction too and that i can finally enjoy and appreciate how important breakfast is. :D
I SWEAR those eggs above are like literally FRESH from the chicken's ass. cos i can still feel it's stickiness when i hold them =.=
Anyway, for the 10000 times alrd. The attention whore seeking birds are tearing their way into my thin frosted glass mind which i like to refer metaphorically to as my "patience" level.
I now realises how important breakfast is. I used to skip them and went straight ahead to lunch, tea time, dinner, & supper. And now finally, it seems like the world is spinning in it's own accord and the right direction too and that i can finally enjoy and appreciate how important breakfast is. :D
I SWEAR those eggs above are like literally FRESH from the chicken's ass. cos i can still feel it's stickiness when i hold them =.=
off to bed now, going out soon later ~
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
An impasse.
Chris came by today. And conflict sorta erupted. The last words i heard from him was, "I will not let you!"
Again and again i have told him, i have explain to him, i have let him in, i have try to make him see what's inside my heart, the lament im trying to tell, the voice inside my heart, the rhythm inside. But he never seems to understand what i'm trying to say.
Chris dear,
You see a cloudless mass right there. A raging deep forest. A distant gloom of shadows. A storm of heavy rain. A grey mist of despair and failure. An impasse.
but do you know what i see? behind all of that.
I see the man that i Love.
Again and again i have told him, i have explain to him, i have let him in, i have try to make him see what's inside my heart, the lament im trying to tell, the voice inside my heart, the rhythm inside. But he never seems to understand what i'm trying to say.
Chris dear,
You see a cloudless mass right there. A raging deep forest. A distant gloom of shadows. A storm of heavy rain. A grey mist of despair and failure. An impasse.
but do you know what i see? behind all of that.
I see the man that i Love.
Monday, June 8, 2009
this is to remind me how much i lurve youuuu, daddy
-_- Ok, the thing tht bugs me so much this early, is my dad's perfume scent. eeek..
the thing is, before he goes off to work, every freaking morning, he opens my room door to check on me, probably afraid tht i might just "POOF" and disappear into thin air. meh...
and as soon as he poke his head into my room, the perfume, slowly ebb their way into my room and causes my room to smell like Hugo Boss. =.=
meh.. i cant SLEEP NOW. every freaking morning man....
thankew so much daddy
imma gonna go eat breakfast now. -_-
the thing is, before he goes off to work, every freaking morning, he opens my room door to check on me, probably afraid tht i might just "POOF" and disappear into thin air. meh...
and as soon as he poke his head into my room, the perfume, slowly ebb their way into my room and causes my room to smell like Hugo Boss. =.=
meh.. i cant SLEEP NOW. every freaking morning man....
thankew so much daddy
imma gonna go eat breakfast now. -_-
Sunday, June 7, 2009
I'M WIDE AWAKE, IT'S MORNING
Its only been 10am in the morning and im alrd in tears. but unfortunately, this time, is not regarding my love life. is something completely different.
i woke up and went down to get me a glass of water and my grandpappa ask me to do him a favour. he then took his cell phone, dial the number and he ask me to speak to my cousin, my baby girl cousin, she's lik 2 this year. And frankly speaking, she's the most beautiful baby i've ever seen. She has this charm in her, not saying other babies don't have them, but she's different you know. she has this glow, this charm, this thing in her that attracts ppl to her and rather instantly they will fall in love at the 1st glance. She has like random ppl on the street coming up to her and complimenting tht she's one of the most cutest/beautiful baby they ever seen. Everyone adores her.
The thing is, her parents is a career people. They don't have the time to take care of her and give her the attention tht she needed and thus my grandmomma and grandpappa decided to take care of her, babysit her. and she has been living with me for almost a year now, under the care of my grandparents. and just recently, she went back home to stay for good due to some wars between the grandparents it seems. the other side wants to take care of her, wants her.
sigh.. my grandparents know better than to argue so they let her go. and honestly, for the 1st time im actually feeling sad for my grandpappa. he loves her so much. adores her. my grandpappa is a guy with tough outlook and tough attitude(used to be like some sort of mafia). he has the look of a guy tht, "clearly you be out of ur mind to mess with a guy like me." I used to remember when i was younger, and some guys will just love to bullied me and my grandpappa have seen to tht himself. He protects me alot. and i think he still is, until now. My grandpappa is an active person,as u can say, hell, he goes swimming, drinking every other night. I think his social life is way moree attractive than mine. i know, its pathetic =.=
But anyway, the thing is, i saw him today clearly for who he is, tht side of him. and it was full of longing, and affection and hope. it was gentle, it was soothing. and he was talking on the phone with my baby girl cousin and he was speaking gently, i see the way he speaks and it burdens me so much tht she is away from him. he loves her so much. he misses her. He was telling her all about the places they used to go together, he used to bring her along and he was reminding her to be a good girl and listen to your parents and many more.
and i just stand there, listening to everything and i suddenly felt this lump stuck in my throat. this stinging in my eyes, this weight in my chest. I quickly ran upstairs and just in time, the tears were alrd flowing down. I crash on my bed instantly and left in my own thoughts.
if you look closely enough, you can find hope in the words of children.
I love my grandpappa.
i woke up and went down to get me a glass of water and my grandpappa ask me to do him a favour. he then took his cell phone, dial the number and he ask me to speak to my cousin, my baby girl cousin, she's lik 2 this year. And frankly speaking, she's the most beautiful baby i've ever seen. She has this charm in her, not saying other babies don't have them, but she's different you know. she has this glow, this charm, this thing in her that attracts ppl to her and rather instantly they will fall in love at the 1st glance. She has like random ppl on the street coming up to her and complimenting tht she's one of the most cutest/beautiful baby they ever seen. Everyone adores her.
The thing is, her parents is a career people. They don't have the time to take care of her and give her the attention tht she needed and thus my grandmomma and grandpappa decided to take care of her, babysit her. and she has been living with me for almost a year now, under the care of my grandparents. and just recently, she went back home to stay for good due to some wars between the grandparents it seems. the other side wants to take care of her, wants her.
sigh.. my grandparents know better than to argue so they let her go. and honestly, for the 1st time im actually feeling sad for my grandpappa. he loves her so much. adores her. my grandpappa is a guy with tough outlook and tough attitude(used to be like some sort of mafia). he has the look of a guy tht, "clearly you be out of ur mind to mess with a guy like me." I used to remember when i was younger, and some guys will just love to bullied me and my grandpappa have seen to tht himself. He protects me alot. and i think he still is, until now. My grandpappa is an active person,as u can say, hell, he goes swimming, drinking every other night. I think his social life is way moree attractive than mine. i know, its pathetic =.=
But anyway, the thing is, i saw him today clearly for who he is, tht side of him. and it was full of longing, and affection and hope. it was gentle, it was soothing. and he was talking on the phone with my baby girl cousin and he was speaking gently, i see the way he speaks and it burdens me so much tht she is away from him. he loves her so much. he misses her. He was telling her all about the places they used to go together, he used to bring her along and he was reminding her to be a good girl and listen to your parents and many more.
and i just stand there, listening to everything and i suddenly felt this lump stuck in my throat. this stinging in my eyes, this weight in my chest. I quickly ran upstairs and just in time, the tears were alrd flowing down. I crash on my bed instantly and left in my own thoughts.
if you look closely enough, you can find hope in the words of children.
I love my grandpappa.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Old Mcdonald had a farm.
A bunch of us went to MCdonald the other night. I remembered, having to just woke up to another nightmare and i was trying to calm myself down by listening to some songs on my ipod.
The volume was turn on the highest thus i did not hear tht my phone was actually ringing. Only to have 5 minutes later, my mom came and shook my attention and told me tht there was a call for me waiting downstairs on the house phone. Well, it was one of my fren who would suddenly call up and ask me out to yumcha, and tht time, it was alrd 10 pm. and i just woke up but i quickly decided tht i was starving, so i might as well go and force some french fries down my system. it might make me feel better.
Since it was alrd 10 pm. heck, i was alrd in my short babydoll nighties, and i m so lazy to change since she arrive like, 2 minutes later, which i can barely even round out all my essentials tht i was bringing along, so yea let alone changing. so i just threw on my coat and headed out. There were 4 of us there, and 2 of them started gossiping since they have a topic in common. 1 of them was listening half heartedly and the other half, she was teasing me, cos i sorta flash abit. my attire really. =.=
and me? I was just deep in thoughts as usual. but i join in after awhile. we ate, we talk rubbish, gossips r always essentials and done, we headed home.
I don't know why, but there's a hot pink car tht came across in front of us. and i snap the pic.
probably the guy is hot i reckon. i forgot really.
and i don't know wth i did, but i manage to snap this eerie dark pic of the place.
speaking of which, i'm hungry again.
Oh! and only having to come home and found out that spencer has been fighting again, in a bar.
i really don't know what else to say.
Goodnight ppl.
The volume was turn on the highest thus i did not hear tht my phone was actually ringing. Only to have 5 minutes later, my mom came and shook my attention and told me tht there was a call for me waiting downstairs on the house phone. Well, it was one of my fren who would suddenly call up and ask me out to yumcha, and tht time, it was alrd 10 pm. and i just woke up but i quickly decided tht i was starving, so i might as well go and force some french fries down my system. it might make me feel better.
Since it was alrd 10 pm. heck, i was alrd in my short babydoll nighties, and i m so lazy to change since she arrive like, 2 minutes later, which i can barely even round out all my essentials tht i was bringing along, so yea let alone changing. so i just threw on my coat and headed out. There were 4 of us there, and 2 of them started gossiping since they have a topic in common. 1 of them was listening half heartedly and the other half, she was teasing me, cos i sorta flash abit. my attire really. =.=
and me? I was just deep in thoughts as usual. but i join in after awhile. we ate, we talk rubbish, gossips r always essentials and done, we headed home.
I don't know why, but there's a hot pink car tht came across in front of us. and i snap the pic.
probably the guy is hot i reckon. i forgot really.
and i don't know wth i did, but i manage to snap this eerie dark pic of the place.
speaking of which, i'm hungry again.
Oh! and only having to come home and found out that spencer has been fighting again, in a bar.
i really don't know what else to say.
Goodnight ppl.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
I remembered...
I remembered the 1st time I fell in love. It was a guy from church. I remembered the 1st time I met him, my friend introduced us. We shook hands, had a few talks n shared a few laughter's n before I knew it, it was time to go home. But I remembered that part of smile on my face as I sat on the backseat of my dad's car.
I remembered the next time i met him again. I sorta have this feeling of nervous-ness and anxiety that i could not quiet explain. But no matter, we talked and we exchange phone numbers. We then texts, and the 1st thing i loved about him is his laughter,in text i mean, he would go "WAKAKAKAKAKA" all the time. And i used to think, who the hell laughs like that?? goodness. Lol.
And then later on, i discover, i Loved him. I dunno whether is it love at 1st sight or is it just love. but well, it certainly have made quite a big impact on me cos it was my 1st love and that guy, i used to think he was outta my league, its because i put him on a pedestal, it's because he's a guy with so many good qualities, he exemplified loyalty, integrity, patience, purity, and so much more. I used to think of him as an angel or something ,is because he shines, he shines because of his personality.
And then later on, i discover, i Loved him. I dunno whether is it love at 1st sight or is it just love. but well, it certainly have made quite a big impact on me cos it was my 1st love and that guy, i used to think he was outta my league, its because i put him on a pedestal, it's because he's a guy with so many good qualities, he exemplified loyalty, integrity, patience, purity, and so much more. I used to think of him as an angel or something ,is because he shines, he shines because of his personality.
Sigh.. well, i remember the part about loving him for at least 1 and the half years. There are times where i wanna just scream out loud that i love you! but i did not. its because i was so afraid.
afraid of rejection i guess. i have been very protective of my heart. But when things became too much, too much for me to handle, i just say it out. i told him I love him. and a week later, he was all mine. =)
afraid of rejection i guess. i have been very protective of my heart. But when things became too much, too much for me to handle, i just say it out. i told him I love him. and a week later, he was all mine. =)
But things ended for a reason after several months. It never work out between us and i remembered, how hard was it for me to accept the undeniably truth. I think after a month or so only, i accepted and i can finally start the mourning and grieving process.
well, it took me.. lets see.. A year and a half to finally get over him and finally mend my broken heart. and since then, i was terrify , i was scare of falling in love again. But then again, we cant control who we fall in love with. i try very hard not to fall in love, i did. but it never goes the way i want it to be. There's always gonna be someone there to sweep me off my feet and make me all warm and gentle inside.
and thus, this explain where am i now. the state i am in now. sigh..
and thus, this explain where am i now. the state i am in now. sigh..
well ppl, falling in love may seem scary but i wanna tell you something, believe in love, believe in the wonders, the possibility and the immensity of love. because if that person loves u back, i swear, there is nothing else in the world i would rather have.
I believe in true love. I believe in love at 1st sight. I believe Love conquers all.
No matter how much pain i am in now, how much despair and how much weight and burden im carrying in this fragile heart of mine that seems gonna break and shatter any minute now. I want you to believe that the day u think love is overrated, is the day that you're wrong.
This year, I wished for love. To immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic… then give me tragedy. Because, I wouldn’t give it back for the world.
Tag tag tag~
THREE NAMES I GO BY
1. Chriss
2. Chrissy
3. Christine
THREE JOBS I HAVE HAD IN MY LIFE
1. Fren's personal bi-atch
2. Personal shopper for my aunt
3. and last but not least, being a daughter to my dad 0=)
THREE PLACES I HAVE LIVED
1. Klang
2. Subang
3. Mont kiara
THREE TV SHOWS THAT I WATCH
1. One tree hill
2. Gossip girl
3. The hills
THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO (right now)
1. An enchated forest
2. A quiet beach
3. Chris's house i guess
THREE OF MY FAVORITE FOODS
1. French fries
2. Hagen Daz ice cream
3. Waffles
THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO
1. True love
2. A new chanel bag
3. and a LG PRADA
THREE PETS THAT YOU HAVE OWNED
1. Tortoise (kill them all =.=)
2. fishes
3. The attention whore seeking birds
THREE FRIENDS WHO WILL REPLY
1. Nicole (i think so, i hope so)
2. Anisah maybe?
3. allright, i dunno. it comes n go. when they r in the mood, they reply. if not, they die=.=
THREE FAVORITE BANDS/SINGERS (for now)
1. Kate voegele
2. Augustana
3. The white tie affair
THREE FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH
1. Car racing
2. Tennis
3. Football
THREE FAVORITE DRINKS
1. Ribena
2. Soy milk
3. TEA( any types of tea)
KTHXBAI.
1. Chriss
2. Chrissy
3. Christine
THREE JOBS I HAVE HAD IN MY LIFE
1. Fren's personal bi-atch
2. Personal shopper for my aunt
3. and last but not least, being a daughter to my dad 0=)
THREE PLACES I HAVE LIVED
1. Klang
2. Subang
3. Mont kiara
THREE TV SHOWS THAT I WATCH
1. One tree hill
2. Gossip girl
3. The hills
THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO (right now)
1. An enchated forest
2. A quiet beach
3. Chris's house i guess
THREE OF MY FAVORITE FOODS
1. French fries
2. Hagen Daz ice cream
3. Waffles
THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO
1. True love
2. A new chanel bag
3. and a LG PRADA
THREE PETS THAT YOU HAVE OWNED
1. Tortoise (kill them all =.=)
2. fishes
3. The attention whore seeking birds
THREE FRIENDS WHO WILL REPLY
1. Nicole (i think so, i hope so)
2. Anisah maybe?
3. allright, i dunno. it comes n go. when they r in the mood, they reply. if not, they die=.=
THREE FAVORITE BANDS/SINGERS (for now)
1. Kate voegele
2. Augustana
3. The white tie affair
THREE FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH
1. Car racing
2. Tennis
3. Football
THREE FAVORITE DRINKS
1. Ribena
2. Soy milk
3. TEA( any types of tea)
KTHXBAI.
Monday, June 1, 2009
~ i need help
It's one of these nights again.
How many more of these can i endure?
Until it's finally over.
How many more of these can i endure?
Until it's finally over.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
I just can't
However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say I will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you - Chriss
But i can't do this anymore.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Type of GUYS i really hate
Apparently i have too much time to waste and too much time to think. So here are a list of types of guys tht i really despised. =.= enjoy!
Commitment-phobia Guy:: One would think that after spending 6 months of dating he would commit but he's always coming up with some excuse that he can't commit (Because we're long distance.... because we have an age gap... because we were friends in the beginning... because... because...because...) He is so not worth the time. It got me thinking... what if I missed the perfect man of my dreams because I was with this loser? (A friend of mine is going through this crap)
Lesson learned:: If he's not on the same page after three months, he can go fuck off, permanently.
The Asshole:: Thinks he can get everything/anyone. Has a "fuck you" attitude to the general public. He makes you do all the work. He has no respect for women in general. Still think that men have the upperhand.
Advice:: Don't even go near him.
Older Men:: I'm talking about the men who are in their forties & up who is looking to date someone twenty-plus years younger. If they looked like Paul Newman or George Clooney, it's a little different. But the ones who have acquired a beer belly and have double chins... what the fuck are they thinking? It makes me sick to my stomach.
YOU:: DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!
Selfish Guy:: This guy should probably be a subcatergory for "The Asshole" but this is a little different. He's kind of like the only child. He's nice but he has that selfishness about him. He only thinks about himself. It's always "me" in the relationship. Not "us".
Trial and Error:: If you like him that much, I guess he can be made to change. But if you're lazy like me.... meh... whatever.
The Leech:: He acts like he really loves you and moves in with you and he leeches off of you. He's jobless and is a slob at home. He takes you for granted and expects you to take care of his financial aspects. And the funny thing is those type of guys tend to cheat on you. He's a sucky version of a pimp (I'm just merely pointing out that he's a lowlife. Not that you're a prostitute :D)
DAD knows best:: My dad always said to watch out for that guy before you even think about moving in. Are you the one always paying? No matter how much you "love" him, get rid of him. It's for your own good. Just think of him as a disgusting, hairy, spider that you want to flatten with the bottom of your stilleto pumps.
Mr. Cheapass:: Okay, I'm talking about the guy who splits the bill because he's too stingy to pay for your dinner. Or he complains that the girl should pay because he paid for last week's dinner. I'm not saying a guy should go into debt or have to pay every single time. He should at least be willing to spend an x-amount of dollars. Having said that, I just think that a guy who complains about money shouldn't even have a girlfriend. Being forced to pay because Mr. Cheapass is throwing a hissy fit is not the same as wanting to treat the guy.
Hmmm:: If he tells you to pay, I would say that I'm going to the restroom, walk out of the restaurant, and never speak to him again.
Commitment-phobia Guy:: One would think that after spending 6 months of dating he would commit but he's always coming up with some excuse that he can't commit (Because we're long distance.... because we have an age gap... because we were friends in the beginning... because... because...because...) He is so not worth the time. It got me thinking... what if I missed the perfect man of my dreams because I was with this loser? (A friend of mine is going through this crap)
Lesson learned:: If he's not on the same page after three months, he can go fuck off, permanently.
The Asshole:: Thinks he can get everything/anyone. Has a "fuck you" attitude to the general public. He makes you do all the work. He has no respect for women in general. Still think that men have the upperhand.
Advice:: Don't even go near him.
Older Men:: I'm talking about the men who are in their forties & up who is looking to date someone twenty-plus years younger. If they looked like Paul Newman or George Clooney, it's a little different. But the ones who have acquired a beer belly and have double chins... what the fuck are they thinking? It makes me sick to my stomach.
YOU:: DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!
Selfish Guy:: This guy should probably be a subcatergory for "The Asshole" but this is a little different. He's kind of like the only child. He's nice but he has that selfishness about him. He only thinks about himself. It's always "me" in the relationship. Not "us".
Trial and Error:: If you like him that much, I guess he can be made to change. But if you're lazy like me.... meh... whatever.
The Leech:: He acts like he really loves you and moves in with you and he leeches off of you. He's jobless and is a slob at home. He takes you for granted and expects you to take care of his financial aspects. And the funny thing is those type of guys tend to cheat on you. He's a sucky version of a pimp (I'm just merely pointing out that he's a lowlife. Not that you're a prostitute :D)
DAD knows best:: My dad always said to watch out for that guy before you even think about moving in. Are you the one always paying? No matter how much you "love" him, get rid of him. It's for your own good. Just think of him as a disgusting, hairy, spider that you want to flatten with the bottom of your stilleto pumps.
Mr. Cheapass:: Okay, I'm talking about the guy who splits the bill because he's too stingy to pay for your dinner. Or he complains that the girl should pay because he paid for last week's dinner. I'm not saying a guy should go into debt or have to pay every single time. He should at least be willing to spend an x-amount of dollars. Having said that, I just think that a guy who complains about money shouldn't even have a girlfriend. Being forced to pay because Mr. Cheapass is throwing a hissy fit is not the same as wanting to treat the guy.
Hmmm:: If he tells you to pay, I would say that I'm going to the restroom, walk out of the restaurant, and never speak to him again.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Rolling Stone
Lookie, what have i got here. It's Blake and Leighton newest magazine cover shoot, and this time, they manage to land on the cover of ROLLING STONE magazine. They look incredibly gorgeous here and absolutely stunning and i was thinking, just moments ago, i have got to make a blog entry about this. And presumably 7 minutes later, here i am, blogging this post.
For those who doesn't know whose these girls are, they are the lead character in the Tv hit show series,Gossip Girl. Everyone loves GG.
They still look amazing eventhough there;s a bald dude in the middle.
And a few of the whole GG cast snapshots while having the time of their lives, pillow fighting.
Leighton Meester everyone.
XOXO
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
OMG T.T
allright, before i hit my bed.
there's just something i've been dying to tell u guys, been dying to just scream it out loud at the top of my lungs, since it has bottled up inside of me since yesterday night.. and normally i dun do this kinda stuff, so if ur gonna think tht im nuts, crazy, unstable, ect. pls bear in mind to overlook my this tiny tiny little flaw and don't judge me cos i don't normally do this,..
i've been going insane, crazy honestly.. it really is just too much to bear, too much to handle such news, and i guess im just gonna go ahead and do it before i chicken out again >_<
so here goes... *deep breath* EDWARD FREAKING CULLEN is damn fukking HOT IN this poster. like fukking madness HOTTTTTTTTTTT. so HOTTTTT tht i got all numb and mellow. no kidding. yea yea, call me typical, call me whatever, who cares. all i know is tht he is DAMN effing hot in here and its literally torturing meee. T.T
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... i do feel better now, letting it all out. thank u so much ppl for reading my nonsense ranting..
kthxbai.
there's just something i've been dying to tell u guys, been dying to just scream it out loud at the top of my lungs, since it has bottled up inside of me since yesterday night.. and normally i dun do this kinda stuff, so if ur gonna think tht im nuts, crazy, unstable, ect. pls bear in mind to overlook my this tiny tiny little flaw and don't judge me cos i don't normally do this,..
i've been going insane, crazy honestly.. it really is just too much to bear, too much to handle such news, and i guess im just gonna go ahead and do it before i chicken out again >_<
so here goes... *deep breath* EDWARD FREAKING CULLEN is damn fukking HOT IN this poster. like fukking madness HOTTTTTTTTTTT. so HOTTTTT tht i got all numb and mellow. no kidding. yea yea, call me typical, call me whatever, who cares. all i know is tht he is DAMN effing hot in here and its literally torturing meee. T.T
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... i do feel better now, letting it all out. thank u so much ppl for reading my nonsense ranting..
kthxbai.
Monday, May 25, 2009
been tagged.. T.T
WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: (COKE,4.30AM in the morning)
2. Last phone call: (Chris,asking me where the hell was i, but infact i was in the kitchen =.=)
3. Last text message: (Lily, asking me to go lepak with her)
4. Last song you listened to: (Jesse mccartney-How do u sleep)
5. Last time you cried: [NOW, just finish watching a sad ending on ugly betty]
HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: (i wont call tht dating)
7. Been cheated on: (Nope)
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: (not really)
9. Lost someone special: (ya i did, people always leave)
10. Been depressed: (like duh!?)
11. Been drunk and threw up: (drunk? YEAH! threw up? NO NO)
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
12. PRISTINE WHITE
13. NAVY BLUE
14. RED
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend: (YES i have ^^)
16. Fallen out of love: (yes, but it doesnt matter)
17. Laughed until you cried: (yes)
18. Met someone who changed you: (not really, i am still who i am)
19. Found out who your true friends were: (no need for tht cos i alrd know who they r)
20. Found out someone was talking about you: (You are nobody until ur talked about)
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: (eeww. NO? XD)
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life?: (errr.. 80% or so)
23. How many kids do you want to have: ( 2 boys)
24. Do you have any pets: (err, if u call a pond full of fishes and tht attention seeking whore birds a pet, then i guess, yeah i do)
25. Do you want to change your name: (maybe?)
26. What did you do for your last birthday: (my dad took us all to japan,right b4 spm,and i got anything i wanted in tiffany's)
27. What time did you wake up today: (4pm)
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: (Online, chatting,eating,crapping)
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: (My own house?)
30. Last time you saw your Mother: (this morning,6.02am)
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: (i would change how things are currently now)
32. What are you listening to right now: (jesse mccartney again)
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: (errr.. no?)
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: (The attention whore birds tht r making alot of noises)
35. Most visited webpage: (Youtube)
36. Whats your real name: (christine)
37. Nicknames: (Chriss,Chrissy,tin tin=.=, baby girl =.=)
38. Relationship Status: (single)
39. Zodiac sign: (Scorpio,sheep/lamb)
40. Male or female?: (Female)
41. Elementary?: (honestly,i have forgotten)
42. Middle School?: (errr.. forgotten, really)
43. High school/college?: (smkbu)
44. Hair colour: (brownish, a few strands of golden-ish colour)
45. Long or short: (Long)
46. Height: (166cm i think)
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: (now? not really)
48: What do you like about yourself?: (my persistency sometimes)
49. Piercings: (a pair on my ears)
50. Tattoos: (dun have one now, but will one day)
51. Righty or lefty: (righty)
FIRSTS:
52. First surgery: (never i think)
53. First piercing: (when i was young,my momma trick me)
54. First best friend: (i only have one so far, nicole)
55. First sport you joined: (errr.. running on the field)
56. First vacation: (couldnt remember, but disneyland in tokyo i think)
58. First pair of trainers: (when i reach puberty? nah kidding, couldnt remember)
RIGHT NOW
59. Eating: (ate MCd just now)
60. Drinking: (plain old water)
61. I'm about to: (go sleeepp, heck, its 6am alrd=.=)
62. Listening to: (those damn attention seeking whore birdies)
63. Waiting on: (honestly? MY BED!!!!)
YOUR FUTURE:
64. Want kids?: (yeah)
65. Get Married?: (OF COURSE!)
66. Career?: (we'll see how things goes. jk. of course)
WHICH IS BETTER:
67. Lips or eyes: (EYES)
68. Hugs or kisses: (ME LIKE KISSY KISSY)
69. Shorter or taller: (Taller but not too tall)
70. Older or Younger: (OLder)
71. Romantic or spontaneous: (can it be romantic and spontaneous at the same time?)
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: (BOTH! dun mind me adding, legs too)
73. Sensitive or loud: (SENSITIVE)
74. Hook-up or relationship: (relationships)
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: (trouble maker is funnay)
HAVE YOU EVER:
76. Kissed a stranger: (so far no, but if ppl were to dare me, now thts gonna be a whole different answer now)
77. Drank hard liquor: (i dunno, is vodka all consider hard liquor?)
78. Lost glasses/contacts: (sunglasses yaaaaa. i broke it by sitting on it T.T)
79. Sex on first date: (NO)
80. Broken someone's heart: (yessss...)
82. Been arrested: (errr. not arrested but been caught before by the police)
83. Turned someone down: (yeah.. normal thing, no?)
84. Cried when someone died: (no no, i laugh my ass off when someone died. of cos i cried)
85. Fallen for a friend?: (err.. how can u have fallen for a stranger? he has to be ur friends 1st, no?)
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: (yeah i do, most of the time)
87. Miracles: (of course, eveything is possible)
88. Love at first sight: (In a way, yeah)
89. Heaven: (yes)
90. True love : (all the way, i believe in always and forever)
91. Kiss on the first date: (ah thts normal)
92. Angels: (Ofcourse, castiel :P)
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: (sigh.. in a way, yea)
95. Did you sing today?: (i always sing)
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: (sigh.. if u call tht cheating, well then, yea)
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: (i would go back to ammend the mistakes i have made)
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?: (it would be the day i thought i fallen in love with my ex, because it was wonderful)
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: (YES, VERY MUCH)
100. Posting this as 100 truths?: (ah im finally done, going to bed now. night ppl)
1. Last beverage: (COKE,4.30AM in the morning)
2. Last phone call: (Chris,asking me where the hell was i, but infact i was in the kitchen =.=)
3. Last text message: (Lily, asking me to go lepak with her)
4. Last song you listened to: (Jesse mccartney-How do u sleep)
5. Last time you cried: [NOW, just finish watching a sad ending on ugly betty]
HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: (i wont call tht dating)
7. Been cheated on: (Nope)
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: (not really)
9. Lost someone special: (ya i did, people always leave)
10. Been depressed: (like duh!?)
11. Been drunk and threw up: (drunk? YEAH! threw up? NO NO)
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
12. PRISTINE WHITE
13. NAVY BLUE
14. RED
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend: (YES i have ^^)
16. Fallen out of love: (yes, but it doesnt matter)
17. Laughed until you cried: (yes)
18. Met someone who changed you: (not really, i am still who i am)
19. Found out who your true friends were: (no need for tht cos i alrd know who they r)
20. Found out someone was talking about you: (You are nobody until ur talked about)
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: (eeww. NO? XD)
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life?: (errr.. 80% or so)
23. How many kids do you want to have: ( 2 boys)
24. Do you have any pets: (err, if u call a pond full of fishes and tht attention seeking whore birds a pet, then i guess, yeah i do)
25. Do you want to change your name: (maybe?)
26. What did you do for your last birthday: (my dad took us all to japan,right b4 spm,and i got anything i wanted in tiffany's)
27. What time did you wake up today: (4pm)
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: (Online, chatting,eating,crapping)
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: (My own house?)
30. Last time you saw your Mother: (this morning,6.02am)
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: (i would change how things are currently now)
32. What are you listening to right now: (jesse mccartney again)
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: (errr.. no?)
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: (The attention whore birds tht r making alot of noises)
35. Most visited webpage: (Youtube)
36. Whats your real name: (christine)
37. Nicknames: (Chriss,Chrissy,tin tin=.=, baby girl =.=)
38. Relationship Status: (single)
39. Zodiac sign: (Scorpio,sheep/lamb)
40. Male or female?: (Female)
41. Elementary?: (honestly,i have forgotten)
42. Middle School?: (errr.. forgotten, really)
43. High school/college?: (smkbu)
44. Hair colour: (brownish, a few strands of golden-ish colour)
45. Long or short: (Long)
46. Height: (166cm i think)
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: (now? not really)
48: What do you like about yourself?: (my persistency sometimes)
49. Piercings: (a pair on my ears)
50. Tattoos: (dun have one now, but will one day)
51. Righty or lefty: (righty)
FIRSTS:
52. First surgery: (never i think)
53. First piercing: (when i was young,my momma trick me)
54. First best friend: (i only have one so far, nicole)
55. First sport you joined: (errr.. running on the field)
56. First vacation: (couldnt remember, but disneyland in tokyo i think)
58. First pair of trainers: (when i reach puberty? nah kidding, couldnt remember)
RIGHT NOW
59. Eating: (ate MCd just now)
60. Drinking: (plain old water)
61. I'm about to: (go sleeepp, heck, its 6am alrd=.=)
62. Listening to: (those damn attention seeking whore birdies)
63. Waiting on: (honestly? MY BED!!!!)
YOUR FUTURE:
64. Want kids?: (yeah)
65. Get Married?: (OF COURSE!)
66. Career?: (we'll see how things goes. jk. of course)
WHICH IS BETTER:
67. Lips or eyes: (EYES)
68. Hugs or kisses: (ME LIKE KISSY KISSY)
69. Shorter or taller: (Taller but not too tall)
70. Older or Younger: (OLder)
71. Romantic or spontaneous: (can it be romantic and spontaneous at the same time?)
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: (BOTH! dun mind me adding, legs too)
73. Sensitive or loud: (SENSITIVE)
74. Hook-up or relationship: (relationships)
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: (trouble maker is funnay)
HAVE YOU EVER:
76. Kissed a stranger: (so far no, but if ppl were to dare me, now thts gonna be a whole different answer now)
77. Drank hard liquor: (i dunno, is vodka all consider hard liquor?)
78. Lost glasses/contacts: (sunglasses yaaaaa. i broke it by sitting on it T.T)
79. Sex on first date: (NO)
80. Broken someone's heart: (yessss...)
82. Been arrested: (errr. not arrested but been caught before by the police)
83. Turned someone down: (yeah.. normal thing, no?)
84. Cried when someone died: (no no, i laugh my ass off when someone died. of cos i cried)
85. Fallen for a friend?: (err.. how can u have fallen for a stranger? he has to be ur friends 1st, no?)
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: (yeah i do, most of the time)
87. Miracles: (of course, eveything is possible)
88. Love at first sight: (In a way, yeah)
89. Heaven: (yes)
90. True love : (all the way, i believe in always and forever)
91. Kiss on the first date: (ah thts normal)
92. Angels: (Ofcourse, castiel :P)
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: (sigh.. in a way, yea)
95. Did you sing today?: (i always sing)
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: (sigh.. if u call tht cheating, well then, yea)
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: (i would go back to ammend the mistakes i have made)
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?: (it would be the day i thought i fallen in love with my ex, because it was wonderful)
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: (YES, VERY MUCH)
100. Posting this as 100 truths?: (ah im finally done, going to bed now. night ppl)
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Its raining. Couldn't be more perfect.. the finishing touch.
Sigh.
I guess this was it, for them. They just pick up and drove away without any goodbyes. And i don't think they'll be coming back. They are gone for good.
I love them since the day i know about them. I watched them go through so many struggle, obstacles and pain in life and finally,. finally, the worst have past and i know, starting from now, everything is going to be all right with them. It feels like a beginning of always. A promise. A reward for persisting through life so long alone. and finally, they have it.
It saddens me, but i couldn't think of a more perfect person in the world to deserve this than they do. I love them. And i wouldn't have it any other way.
I look at them and some how i feel safer. I don't know if i can explain that, but they give me hope.
__________________________________________________
I sat down and gaze around. In a room which i remembered clearly.
Matt : You think about him much?
Chriss : Every day.
Sigh.
I guess this was it, for them. They just pick up and drove away without any goodbyes. And i don't think they'll be coming back. They are gone for good.
I love them since the day i know about them. I watched them go through so many struggle, obstacles and pain in life and finally,. finally, the worst have past and i know, starting from now, everything is going to be all right with them. It feels like a beginning of always. A promise. A reward for persisting through life so long alone. and finally, they have it.
It saddens me, but i couldn't think of a more perfect person in the world to deserve this than they do. I love them. And i wouldn't have it any other way.
I look at them and some how i feel safer. I don't know if i can explain that, but they give me hope.
Because, we all can use a little hope sometimes. That feeling that everything's is going to be okay and that there's going to be someone there to help make sure of that.
I wouldn't have it any other way for them. Sometimes happiness doesn't come from money or fame or power. Sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family and the quiet nobility of leading a good life. I wouldn't have it any other way.__________________________________________________
I sat down and gaze around. In a room which i remembered clearly.
Matt : You think about him much?
Chriss : Every day.
Monday, May 18, 2009
hottie,bastards,idiots.. and friends.
im bored and i currently have a few minutes left to spare before my dinner. im cooking actually =.= for myself only, cos i cant eat those food on the table now. lost my appetite i guess.
anyway, last saturday, i and a bunch of my friends went out to yumcha, 1st the location was in MCD and then it shifted off to a mamak place but boy, was there ALOT of ppl tht showed up. i barely recognize half of them. there were just alot of ppl. we were all sitting in the mamak and u can easily see, our group is the biggest there. but i have fun seeing my old frens again as i miss them, some tht actually went off to college and they came home during the weekends and some who are actually too damn busy with their life.
i was sitting in the mamak and out of no where, 2 tables from ours, i sense tht someone was looking at me, i turn and stare and it was tht girl, it took me a while to remember who the hell is she. she looks awfully familiar but i cant seem to place her. and i asked one of my other friend and she told me, that's the twins from my old school, previous school. then only i realised ah, tht girl. i dun know why, she keep staring at me. wtf wei. i was busy talking to my friends, she keep on looking at me, not only look and then she turn aside and whisper to her guy friends or bf's or whatever about it and they all started to turn their head and look at me.
damn i just got so annoyed, i really did. so i look at them back, roll my eyes and do a mock grin. i think they were shocked for a moment, but they still look. bastards! =.=
nvm, before i actually let my temper get the best of me, out of no where, this hottie showed up. ok, i dun know him. but damn, was he hot.
he has like the sexiest body ever with the right muscles in place, is neither too big nor too small , is just purr-fect. and he was wearing a black shirt, and damn, it accents his body shape, line and muscles perfectly. i couldn't keep my eyes of him. i dun normally stare at guys. face it, its sorta their job. LOL.
and he was wearing this white bermuda crop pants. and with a cap too.
such handsome face he has, perfect feature. and i was nudging my friend to check him out. and she was like, frowning at me. asking me to concentrate, get my head in the game or something cos she was in the midst of telling me something important. so I did, i channel back my full concentration on her and out of no where i hear tht hottie speak and he was speaking in ENGLISH. damn! i just squealed in my sit and i was like telling my friend, omfg he speaks english too. now he has like the whole package. perfect! XD LOL.
so from time to time, i will occasionally glance at him and my fren, ya she did, she smack me in the forehead pulak. =.= i was lik, wth?? and she was *rolling her eyes*. damn. he was hot. :(
but i went home anyway, knowing me, its all just harmless fun, i wont take it to the next level. as i got up from my sit and went to the car, those bastards stare again. idiots.
i guess tht is all. time for my dinner now. Itadakimasu. ^^
anyway, last saturday, i and a bunch of my friends went out to yumcha, 1st the location was in MCD and then it shifted off to a mamak place but boy, was there ALOT of ppl tht showed up. i barely recognize half of them. there were just alot of ppl. we were all sitting in the mamak and u can easily see, our group is the biggest there. but i have fun seeing my old frens again as i miss them, some tht actually went off to college and they came home during the weekends and some who are actually too damn busy with their life.
i was sitting in the mamak and out of no where, 2 tables from ours, i sense tht someone was looking at me, i turn and stare and it was tht girl, it took me a while to remember who the hell is she. she looks awfully familiar but i cant seem to place her. and i asked one of my other friend and she told me, that's the twins from my old school, previous school. then only i realised ah, tht girl. i dun know why, she keep staring at me. wtf wei. i was busy talking to my friends, she keep on looking at me, not only look and then she turn aside and whisper to her guy friends or bf's or whatever about it and they all started to turn their head and look at me.
damn i just got so annoyed, i really did. so i look at them back, roll my eyes and do a mock grin. i think they were shocked for a moment, but they still look. bastards! =.=
nvm, before i actually let my temper get the best of me, out of no where, this hottie showed up. ok, i dun know him. but damn, was he hot.
he has like the sexiest body ever with the right muscles in place, is neither too big nor too small , is just purr-fect. and he was wearing a black shirt, and damn, it accents his body shape, line and muscles perfectly. i couldn't keep my eyes of him. i dun normally stare at guys. face it, its sorta their job. LOL.
and he was wearing this white bermuda crop pants. and with a cap too.
such handsome face he has, perfect feature. and i was nudging my friend to check him out. and she was like, frowning at me. asking me to concentrate, get my head in the game or something cos she was in the midst of telling me something important. so I did, i channel back my full concentration on her and out of no where i hear tht hottie speak and he was speaking in ENGLISH. damn! i just squealed in my sit and i was like telling my friend, omfg he speaks english too. now he has like the whole package. perfect! XD LOL.
so from time to time, i will occasionally glance at him and my fren, ya she did, she smack me in the forehead pulak. =.= i was lik, wth?? and she was *rolling her eyes*. damn. he was hot. :(
but i went home anyway, knowing me, its all just harmless fun, i wont take it to the next level. as i got up from my sit and went to the car, those bastards stare again. idiots.
i guess tht is all. time for my dinner now. Itadakimasu. ^^
Sunday, May 17, 2009
golfing
A pool of dark freezing water.. ~
Dun mind me, was just ranting.
I woke up rather early today, cos my cous,C and J came to my house to past some stuff to my grandpappa n those idiots barged in my room n woke me up. they were like, "chriss honey, wake up, we're going out" n I told them, I can't cos I have other plans but.. Eventually I went with them too n cancel my plans cos they were all like, who could be more important than us?? *roll eyes*
But before I actually got up n go wash myself up, my bed n blanket all suddenly look so nice n soft n comfortable, like some sort of freaking marshmallow craze going on, n my room feels damn cold because of the air conditioner, 3 seconds later, I dooze off again. They were too busy admiring my wall I think to even noticed n finally they let me be forawhile. But I was always the nice one so I ask them to sleep with me. But they didn't, they just lay down n waited for me. They r sometimes real sweet, to me only tho. To others... Well thts a different story. Its nice to have that feeling sometimes, the feeling of being cradled n they do cradle me.
I woke up an hour later, J was downstairs with my grandmomma while C was playing games with his iPhone. I asked C, where r we going. Originally, they intend on going to pavillion n shop, but I told them, I think I had enough shopping experiences to last me a life time. I eventually suggested Golf out of no where.
surprisingly they r ok with it n I took my dad's golf club(hard time convincing my dad but he allowed in the end) , head back to my cous house to get their own set of golf club n I invited my uncle to come along. Cos frankly speaking, I suck, I need a proper guidance. We went to the course n boy. It was freaking tiring. DAmn it was hot. And damn,golf is hard. =.=
I honestly dun know wat on god's earth am I doing. -__-
Golf eventually took away the whole afternoon n evening n since I was that tired n I smell, I decided to go home cos my other uncle n aunts r coming over later.
Sigh.. Next time,go with the shopping. golf?! Really?
Goodnight. heading to bed now.
*on my bed blogging this*
Dun mind me, was just ranting.
I woke up rather early today, cos my cous,C and J came to my house to past some stuff to my grandpappa n those idiots barged in my room n woke me up. they were like, "chriss honey, wake up, we're going out" n I told them, I can't cos I have other plans but.. Eventually I went with them too n cancel my plans cos they were all like, who could be more important than us?? *roll eyes*
But before I actually got up n go wash myself up, my bed n blanket all suddenly look so nice n soft n comfortable, like some sort of freaking marshmallow craze going on, n my room feels damn cold because of the air conditioner, 3 seconds later, I dooze off again. They were too busy admiring my wall I think to even noticed n finally they let me be forawhile. But I was always the nice one so I ask them to sleep with me. But they didn't, they just lay down n waited for me. They r sometimes real sweet, to me only tho. To others... Well thts a different story. Its nice to have that feeling sometimes, the feeling of being cradled n they do cradle me.
I woke up an hour later, J was downstairs with my grandmomma while C was playing games with his iPhone. I asked C, where r we going. Originally, they intend on going to pavillion n shop, but I told them, I think I had enough shopping experiences to last me a life time. I eventually suggested Golf out of no where.
surprisingly they r ok with it n I took my dad's golf club(hard time convincing my dad but he allowed in the end) , head back to my cous house to get their own set of golf club n I invited my uncle to come along. Cos frankly speaking, I suck, I need a proper guidance. We went to the course n boy. It was freaking tiring. DAmn it was hot. And damn,golf is hard. =.=
I honestly dun know wat on god's earth am I doing. -__-
Golf eventually took away the whole afternoon n evening n since I was that tired n I smell, I decided to go home cos my other uncle n aunts r coming over later.
Sigh.. Next time,go with the shopping. golf?! Really?
Goodnight. heading to bed now.
*on my bed blogging this*
Friday, May 15, 2009
the part of grace tht sucks.
the hardest time will always be in the night. when the sun goes down, when everyone is asleep, tht is when you can truly hear silence.
i come in here and i sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be. and so, i wish for patience, and grace, and strength to just let him be who he wants to be. mostly i pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what i want.
i know there's a reason for everything
that comes and goes
but so many ppl are looking to me
to be strong and to fight
but im just surviving
i may be weak but im never defeated
and i'll keep believing
in cloud with that sweet silver lining
most days, i try my best to put on a brave face
but inside, my bones are cold and my heart breaks
but all the while
there's something there keeping me safe and alive
i wont give up like this
i will be given strength
and now that Ive found it
nothing can take that away
chriss,
goodnight.
i come in here and i sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be. and so, i wish for patience, and grace, and strength to just let him be who he wants to be. mostly i pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what i want.
i know there's a reason for everything
that comes and goes
but so many ppl are looking to me
to be strong and to fight
but im just surviving
i may be weak but im never defeated
and i'll keep believing
in cloud with that sweet silver lining
most days, i try my best to put on a brave face
but inside, my bones are cold and my heart breaks
but all the while
there's something there keeping me safe and alive
i wont give up like this
i will be given strength
and now that Ive found it
nothing can take that away
chriss,
goodnight.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Always and almost forever
I can't accept that our story doesn't have a good ending.
"Our story already has the greatest ending, no matter what... because we're together."
IT matters to me, its what got me here.
"Our story already has the greatest ending, no matter what... because we're together."
IT matters to me, its what got me here.
ah damn it.. lolli lolli pop baby
Thanks to my friend, A, the crazy bubbly biatch,who has finally succeeded in brain washing my delicate brain into listening to Korean songs..
the big bang, they r called.
not bad i would say, ya they have the looks, the style, ect.. and im addicted to their lollipop song now. its darn cute, the rhythm and such -.-
so every time, if u see me go,
"Lolli Lolli Lollipop Oh you’re my Lollipop
Lolli Lolli Lollipop Boy you’re my lollipop
Lolli lolli lollipop oh lolli-pop-pop"
do forgive me cos i cant seem to fukking stop. lol.
ah its 3.45 am now, as im writing this blog, i can hear my dad downstairs screaming at the tv again. guess MU is playing tonight. its his life,i tell ya.
anyway, i went over to A's house today and we bake, errr, cupcakes. it taste delicious cos i purposely add more cocoa powder into the bater without she looking, cos she was busy dancing to her Korean songs. supposedly, i should be following the instructions in the book but screw it, i follow my way, chrissy way and thank god tht it turn out well. is like once in a lifetime sorta thing going on. so im pretty amazed by it.
and then we settle down and watched slumdog millionaire. finally! i watched it. u know before this, when i heard the name slumdog millionaire, i kept on thinking the movie is about a bunch of black ppl playing basketball and try to make it to the nba or something. clearly something has gone wrong with my fukking brain. sigh. T.T
but the movie was nice, nicer than i have anticipated. it was touching and at the same time, very meaningful. couldnt help not noticing, but the movie is about love too in a way. the love tht revolves around fate and destiny. those kinda rare love you dun see everyday in real life. i admired tht. and i long for it somehow.
its been a long day and quite tiring frankly. cam whoring was also part of the activity today. snap snap snap. and my dad was like, girl, dun u know better than to post ur pics on the net?? and i was like, its for my fans daddy. haha. jk. cos i honestly dunno wat shit i said just now.
there;s just one more task to do before i hit the sack, i have been waiting for tht ever since i could remember, and its finally here. its finally here.
goodnight.
i dun know y, but i noticed, my cheeks are very rosy tonight. lol. night.
the big bang, they r called.
not bad i would say, ya they have the looks, the style, ect.. and im addicted to their lollipop song now. its darn cute, the rhythm and such -.-
so every time, if u see me go,
"Lolli Lolli Lollipop Oh you’re my Lollipop
Lolli Lolli Lollipop Boy you’re my lollipop
Lolli lolli lollipop oh lolli-pop-pop"
do forgive me cos i cant seem to fukking stop. lol.
ah its 3.45 am now, as im writing this blog, i can hear my dad downstairs screaming at the tv again. guess MU is playing tonight. its his life,i tell ya.
anyway, i went over to A's house today and we bake, errr, cupcakes. it taste delicious cos i purposely add more cocoa powder into the bater without she looking, cos she was busy dancing to her Korean songs. supposedly, i should be following the instructions in the book but screw it, i follow my way, chrissy way and thank god tht it turn out well. is like once in a lifetime sorta thing going on. so im pretty amazed by it.
and then we settle down and watched slumdog millionaire. finally! i watched it. u know before this, when i heard the name slumdog millionaire, i kept on thinking the movie is about a bunch of black ppl playing basketball and try to make it to the nba or something. clearly something has gone wrong with my fukking brain. sigh. T.T
but the movie was nice, nicer than i have anticipated. it was touching and at the same time, very meaningful. couldnt help not noticing, but the movie is about love too in a way. the love tht revolves around fate and destiny. those kinda rare love you dun see everyday in real life. i admired tht. and i long for it somehow.
its been a long day and quite tiring frankly. cam whoring was also part of the activity today. snap snap snap. and my dad was like, girl, dun u know better than to post ur pics on the net?? and i was like, its for my fans daddy. haha. jk. cos i honestly dunno wat shit i said just now.
there;s just one more task to do before i hit the sack, i have been waiting for tht ever since i could remember, and its finally here. its finally here.
goodnight.
i dun know y, but i noticed, my cheeks are very rosy tonight. lol. night.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
2 months now
I just realised tht it has been 2 months now since the day he said those 3 words to me.
I did not realise it at 1st, but as I went n lie down on my bed, I was browsing through my phone inbox n accidentaly I press on the open button on one of his texts last time n there it is, those words. I stared at it n smile briefly n I look at the date, 11march 2009,4.14am .
Its been 2 months now as of yesterday,11 may2009.
its been 2 months now.
*on my bed,on my iPod,blogging this.
I did not realise it at 1st, but as I went n lie down on my bed, I was browsing through my phone inbox n accidentaly I press on the open button on one of his texts last time n there it is, those words. I stared at it n smile briefly n I look at the date, 11march 2009,4.14am .
Its been 2 months now as of yesterday,11 may2009.
its been 2 months now.
*on my bed,on my iPod,blogging this.
Monday, May 11, 2009
as of yesterday
yesterday was mother's day. what did i do huh? erm....well, i was not really in a rally or fiesta mood. for those who knows me, they know y. but it be bad to walk around at home and sulk or mop while they go out n have their family dinner. after all, it is mother's day and my godfather actually came all the way down here to join us. i couldn't stay at home for the fear of interrogation later. so i tidy up, clean myself up and make myself most presentable and i put on a smile. not a fake one, but a barely-there smile or whatever u call it.
we went to dinner, but before tht, i followed my dad to lavender's cos he thought of getting a cake for his mother, my grandmomma. ooooooo.. when i saw all the display cakes there, it make me wonder, when was the last time, i actually had one. it has always been chocolates and ice creams and cookies but cakes... no.... never....... then my expression when all dreamy and then i snap back into focus again cos my dad irritated me by asking me which one to get. ah. in the end, my dad bought 2 cakes. one is for me, personally. lol. like no kidding. because i told him, i really really wan cakes u know, and he was like, y cant u just share with others?. and i was like, no i dun wan to cos it wont be enough. in the end, he sigh and he agreed. so yay for me. finally.. after centuries of not eating cakes, my dad got me a half kg chocolate cake. and ya, i did it. i attack it with a spoon, alone, while everyone was looking at me. and i was like, oh c'mon, cut me some slack, is a difficult time for me.
and there;s still half of it left in the refrigerator, but no worries, im gonna attend to it soon. ^^
then when we finally got back from dinner, everyone was hanging out at my house. but damn i was seriously feeling hot and sweaty, the heat is killing me. so i went to change into my nightwear , thinking tht, i really dun intend to go down and join them watching football while drinking. i decided to just hang out in my room and just lie down on the bed under the air conditioner,cfc. but my darling cous just wont leave me alone, so they too, just stays in my room,hanging out and reading what i wrote on my god damn wall.. and then all of a sudden they started taking pictures of me doing N-O-T-H-I-N-G on the bed.. ok maybe not nothing, i was actually sketching.
these r all r self picture taking. its dark, u cant see a thing, but wat u can see is tht my wall, my purple wall, is all plaster with words. sigh...
P.S i swear to god, the cake is practically calling my name, chrissy.... lol
we went to dinner, but before tht, i followed my dad to lavender's cos he thought of getting a cake for his mother, my grandmomma. ooooooo.. when i saw all the display cakes there, it make me wonder, when was the last time, i actually had one. it has always been chocolates and ice creams and cookies but cakes... no.... never....... then my expression when all dreamy and then i snap back into focus again cos my dad irritated me by asking me which one to get. ah. in the end, my dad bought 2 cakes. one is for me, personally. lol. like no kidding. because i told him, i really really wan cakes u know, and he was like, y cant u just share with others?. and i was like, no i dun wan to cos it wont be enough. in the end, he sigh and he agreed. so yay for me. finally.. after centuries of not eating cakes, my dad got me a half kg chocolate cake. and ya, i did it. i attack it with a spoon, alone, while everyone was looking at me. and i was like, oh c'mon, cut me some slack, is a difficult time for me.
and there;s still half of it left in the refrigerator, but no worries, im gonna attend to it soon. ^^
then when we finally got back from dinner, everyone was hanging out at my house. but damn i was seriously feeling hot and sweaty, the heat is killing me. so i went to change into my nightwear , thinking tht, i really dun intend to go down and join them watching football while drinking. i decided to just hang out in my room and just lie down on the bed under the air conditioner,cfc. but my darling cous just wont leave me alone, so they too, just stays in my room,hanging out and reading what i wrote on my god damn wall.. and then all of a sudden they started taking pictures of me doing N-O-T-H-I-N-G on the bed.. ok maybe not nothing, i was actually sketching.
these r all r self picture taking. its dark, u cant see a thing, but wat u can see is tht my wall, my purple wall, is all plaster with words. sigh...
P.S i swear to god, the cake is practically calling my name, chrissy.... lol
Saturday, May 9, 2009
cant sleep. too much
god damn it.. its 5 am in the morning, and i stilllll caannnnntttt sleeeeppp.
wth is wrong with me? my freaking mind..
sigh...
too much too bear.. it hurts.
its tiring.
wth is wrong with me? my freaking mind..
sigh...
too much too bear.. it hurts.
its tiring.
just silence.
my dad used to be very close to me, it was like our little secret. and every night he'd come in and he'd tuck me in and he'd kiss me on the forehead telling me tht he loves me. but no more now. he sort of left. not physically but spiritually n emotionally i guess.
i remember lying in bed for the first time and just feeling silence, you know. then realizing for the rest of my life that it was gone,everything was gone , his voice and the way it used to soothe me, just all of it. so i guess i tried to find new songs to fill that quiet, but none of them ever really have. Everyone;s is gone . There's just silence...There's just silence.
i remember lying in bed for the first time and just feeling silence, you know. then realizing for the rest of my life that it was gone,everything was gone , his voice and the way it used to soothe me, just all of it. so i guess i tried to find new songs to fill that quiet, but none of them ever really have. Everyone;s is gone . There's just silence...There's just silence.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
sigh.... conflicted
i woke up today, feeling hungover a bit.. dun know y, probably laugh too much yesterday, its basically a mixture of emo-ness & craziness. 4am, and i was still hyperactive. lol.
sighh.. yesterday, again we argue.. sometimes, i just need him to be tht person for me, and he cant, he failed to. is not like im asking him to go the distant for me, i just wan him to be tht guy. shook. but he is no more tht guy, n tht is when i felt tht everything has changed. i try to make him see my views and end up, argument erupted. is like, we cant agree on the same thing anymore. what has happened? i dun know. i really dun. but i did try to make things better, i think i did. but it never gotten any good so.... i started to doubt this relationship, him, feeling insecure n such.. u know the drill la.
yesterday, i was alrd thinking, the moment he walk away from me, dun know la, go have some fresh air it seems,. i was alrd thinking, but i was too afraid to say anything or even dare to think further because i was afraid of the outcome. i never like, endings like tht. i was scared, for myself and especially for my heart. so i slept it off , hoping, tht in some hope left in the world or anything tht, things be better soon. but i think i alrd knew the answer all along. in a way i dun feel tht much remorse today, because i know my heart is conflicted. 2 guys.. sigh.
tht's the thing.. there's this other guy, my 1st guy.
i remember writing a letter to him,. send it via-email,cos someone suggested it.
apparently,im doing this now. lol. someone actually pop me this idea and i was like,why not. sometimes is easier to write what we wanna say rather than saying it out loud. Sometimes people write the things that they can't say.
lately.. i feel like we r drifting apart. dun say i think too much,because im not,it just feels tht way. i feel like,im holding on to this relationship for dear life. i feel like, lately, im the only who's putting effort into this relationship and want this relationship. but it never seems like u want it and thus, i even have to ask u whether do u want it still.
ppl changed. i used to remember,during earlier times, you were so sweet, when i was stil hurt and troubled by my past relationship, you were there for me, you held out ur hand and i took it without realising and i felt hope. you make me open up my heart. yes i admit, i was reluctant at first,because i was scared. i was scared of letting ppl in.because giving ur heart to somebody, thts the scary part. but eventually i did, i learn to trust u, i felt so comfortable with u, i learn to open up my heart and let u in. the point is, i was so scared that night, i was falling in love and i was so unsure and i did it. and while it hasn't been easy, it has been everything.
baby, i give u my heart, i give u my everything, i dun know wat else to give. i dun know whether is it enough for u. we go days without having a meaningful conversation sometimes and i used to miss u so much when tht happens. but do u ever miss me?
baby, work , everytime, when i see, u have to work during the nights,especially during 3 or 4 am still, u think it doesnt affect me but im actually watching and listening to u with my heart full of concerns. i know, u have no choice but to do so, but i still bear with u everytime. because i chose to, because i want to, because i care.
this is just who i am. the part of grace. im loyal and im really commited to the person i love. sigh..
someonce once told me;it's been said that there is one word that will free us from the weight and pain of life. and, that word is love, and i believe that. it doesn't mean that it hasn't been hard or that it won't be. it just means that i found a stillness and bravery in myself with you.
and that is why i love him.
alot has happened today, he finally told me stuff tht i wanna hear but no matter, its too late now, it doesnt change a thing. sigh.. he said, i cheated, but did i really?? i dun know, cos i thought things were over between us. i thought it was fine to find other distractions. which i did.
im not proud, nor am i glad. im actually much more upset with the actions tht i have taken rather than feeling my despair tht things ended with tht guy. conflicted heart.
i have not moved on, although u said, i have. but i'll try. everything will be allright.
how is it even possible to have 2 person in one's heart?
we never had tht talk, because i was afraid, i thought u were gonna hurt me.i was afraid of getting my heart broken again, .like before. cause it hurt so bad the last time and i was afraid to be vulnerable again. i was afraid of you and the way that you make me feel. and i know that doesn't matter now, after what i did, but i just thought that you should know.
but i guess its always been like this, wanting to be loved... to find someone that makes your heart ache in a good way.
sighh.. yesterday, again we argue.. sometimes, i just need him to be tht person for me, and he cant, he failed to. is not like im asking him to go the distant for me, i just wan him to be tht guy. shook. but he is no more tht guy, n tht is when i felt tht everything has changed. i try to make him see my views and end up, argument erupted. is like, we cant agree on the same thing anymore. what has happened? i dun know. i really dun. but i did try to make things better, i think i did. but it never gotten any good so.... i started to doubt this relationship, him, feeling insecure n such.. u know the drill la.
yesterday, i was alrd thinking, the moment he walk away from me, dun know la, go have some fresh air it seems,. i was alrd thinking, but i was too afraid to say anything or even dare to think further because i was afraid of the outcome. i never like, endings like tht. i was scared, for myself and especially for my heart. so i slept it off , hoping, tht in some hope left in the world or anything tht, things be better soon. but i think i alrd knew the answer all along. in a way i dun feel tht much remorse today, because i know my heart is conflicted. 2 guys.. sigh.
tht's the thing.. there's this other guy, my 1st guy.
i remember writing a letter to him,. send it via-email,cos someone suggested it.
apparently,im doing this now. lol. someone actually pop me this idea and i was like,why not. sometimes is easier to write what we wanna say rather than saying it out loud. Sometimes people write the things that they can't say.
lately.. i feel like we r drifting apart. dun say i think too much,because im not,it just feels tht way. i feel like,im holding on to this relationship for dear life. i feel like, lately, im the only who's putting effort into this relationship and want this relationship. but it never seems like u want it and thus, i even have to ask u whether do u want it still.
ppl changed. i used to remember,during earlier times, you were so sweet, when i was stil hurt and troubled by my past relationship, you were there for me, you held out ur hand and i took it without realising and i felt hope. you make me open up my heart. yes i admit, i was reluctant at first,because i was scared. i was scared of letting ppl in.because giving ur heart to somebody, thts the scary part. but eventually i did, i learn to trust u, i felt so comfortable with u, i learn to open up my heart and let u in. the point is, i was so scared that night, i was falling in love and i was so unsure and i did it. and while it hasn't been easy, it has been everything.
baby, i give u my heart, i give u my everything, i dun know wat else to give. i dun know whether is it enough for u. we go days without having a meaningful conversation sometimes and i used to miss u so much when tht happens. but do u ever miss me?
baby, work , everytime, when i see, u have to work during the nights,especially during 3 or 4 am still, u think it doesnt affect me but im actually watching and listening to u with my heart full of concerns. i know, u have no choice but to do so, but i still bear with u everytime. because i chose to, because i want to, because i care.
this is just who i am. the part of grace. im loyal and im really commited to the person i love. sigh..
someonce once told me;it's been said that there is one word that will free us from the weight and pain of life. and, that word is love, and i believe that. it doesn't mean that it hasn't been hard or that it won't be. it just means that i found a stillness and bravery in myself with you.
and that is why i love him.
alot has happened today, he finally told me stuff tht i wanna hear but no matter, its too late now, it doesnt change a thing. sigh.. he said, i cheated, but did i really?? i dun know, cos i thought things were over between us. i thought it was fine to find other distractions. which i did.
im not proud, nor am i glad. im actually much more upset with the actions tht i have taken rather than feeling my despair tht things ended with tht guy. conflicted heart.
i have not moved on, although u said, i have. but i'll try. everything will be allright.
how is it even possible to have 2 person in one's heart?
we never had tht talk, because i was afraid, i thought u were gonna hurt me.i was afraid of getting my heart broken again, .like before. cause it hurt so bad the last time and i was afraid to be vulnerable again. i was afraid of you and the way that you make me feel. and i know that doesn't matter now, after what i did, but i just thought that you should know.
but i guess its always been like this, wanting to be loved... to find someone that makes your heart ache in a good way.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
what else is there to write about?
i have come a long way, since the person i used to be.
ppl changed. and sometimes, it leaves u in great despair and ache knowing tht, u used to know this guy and he changed.. sometimes it really sucks, having to have tht feeling.
but i learned today from someone tht, ppl changed. is just part of life, part of the circle of life.
is not the matter tht he changed, matters, is tht, at the end of the day, is he worth it? is he worth fighting for and is he worth all ur time and love and effort?
to be able to know all these, we put them to the test, only time can tell.
lately, it hasnt been easy for me. nor to him. lately, there';s just too much crap tht has been catching up to us. i try. i try to stay strong, keep my head cool, my heart open, my mind close. i tried. but i failed, n because of tht, i felt really weak and vulnerable.
sigh...
someone actually just told me, i feel its gonna work out for u. i feel tht its gonna be worth it, at the end of the day. and i smile.
loosing ur heart desire is one thing. but giving ur heart to somebody else, thts the scary part.
im not going anywhere, i care and i love him. if tht is not enough, then i dun know wat is. u tell me.
ppl changed. and sometimes, it leaves u in great despair and ache knowing tht, u used to know this guy and he changed.. sometimes it really sucks, having to have tht feeling.
but i learned today from someone tht, ppl changed. is just part of life, part of the circle of life.
is not the matter tht he changed, matters, is tht, at the end of the day, is he worth it? is he worth fighting for and is he worth all ur time and love and effort?
to be able to know all these, we put them to the test, only time can tell.
lately, it hasnt been easy for me. nor to him. lately, there';s just too much crap tht has been catching up to us. i try. i try to stay strong, keep my head cool, my heart open, my mind close. i tried. but i failed, n because of tht, i felt really weak and vulnerable.
sigh...
someone actually just told me, i feel its gonna work out for u. i feel tht its gonna be worth it, at the end of the day. and i smile.
loosing ur heart desire is one thing. but giving ur heart to somebody else, thts the scary part.
im not going anywhere, i care and i love him. if tht is not enough, then i dun know wat is. u tell me.
Monday, April 13, 2009
ppl always leave
sorry, its been a habit of mine actually. abandoning things tht i do not care so much about. my bad. but anyway here are the updates.
nothing interesting happened lately, except the fact tht my best fren,N is going off to new zealand soon. errrrr... next week soon. i know!!! i was in denial when she told me this fact, i was like, No! no! u cant go, u cant leave me because i wont let u. she just cant leave me.
i mean, what am i going to do without her?? she's always been my best fren, the one i cant live without, the one who's always there for me, the one who stuck by me, the one who knows who i am really and the one who's able to see right through me and still loves me despite everything.
and now she's leaving. shook. she just cant leave.
i dunno wat else to do. she asked me to come with her. she asked me to leave everything behind and go with her and never come back. but... how can i do tht? ya, over the past years, i cant wait to get out of malaysia, i admit, i cant wait to fukking get out of this god-damn country. but now when she asked me to go with her, the thought of doing so, shook. i dun think i can. i dun think im able to.
i mean, my life is here. my family, my friends, my ...... i dun know really. but leave everything here? and go start a fresh? wat is there to run from? i aint running. i dun wanna start a fresh. i wanna stay here because staying is the right thing to do.
nothing interesting happened lately, except the fact tht my best fren,N is going off to new zealand soon. errrrr... next week soon. i know!!! i was in denial when she told me this fact, i was like, No! no! u cant go, u cant leave me because i wont let u. she just cant leave me.
i mean, what am i going to do without her?? she's always been my best fren, the one i cant live without, the one who's always there for me, the one who stuck by me, the one who knows who i am really and the one who's able to see right through me and still loves me despite everything.
and now she's leaving. shook. she just cant leave.
i dunno wat else to do. she asked me to come with her. she asked me to leave everything behind and go with her and never come back. but... how can i do tht? ya, over the past years, i cant wait to get out of malaysia, i admit, i cant wait to fukking get out of this god-damn country. but now when she asked me to go with her, the thought of doing so, shook. i dun think i can. i dun think im able to.
i mean, my life is here. my family, my friends, my ...... i dun know really. but leave everything here? and go start a fresh? wat is there to run from? i aint running. i dun wanna start a fresh. i wanna stay here because staying is the right thing to do.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
To those lost souls..
Yesterday, something did happened. something tht is enough to trigger me emotionally and it brings me down. i just couldnt bear to stay at home today, so i called up A, and decided to go to my 2nd home, starbucks. sigh. i know... we hang out there, was kinda cold due to the weather and alrd i was wearing my boxer shorts and my tank top, basically my sleeping attire. typical me i guess. i was really not in a mood to changed or look nice, so who cares. just wear whatever i have on, and get out of the freaking house.
finally we were at starbucks and the usual, we hang out n chill and we talk. and M called me all of a sudden, asked me where i was. i told him tht we were at starbucks and he said ok, he's coming over. ahhh M.. he's a nice guy. well atleast to me he is. to others.... well, not really cos he's pretty mean and violent in a way. but to us girls, he's nice. and i guess, thts all it matters.
M and A were talking while i just got to dump my problem on someone, so i chose A, not my fren A, but one of the worker at starbucks who happens to be my close fren too.
he such a child sometimes honestly, but in a way, despite his behaviour, he's a very close fren of mine and i appreciate him. im grateful. he helped me, he advice me, and make me see sense. and although i had to admit it, but he;s right. but tht doesnt changed the fact tht im still sad and depress and i just couldnt stop thinking about it. even after A and M went home, i did not want to go home just yet, i wanna stay there because maybe there's something about this place tht really calms me down, or maybe its the company. it soothing until the fact tht i fell asleep at one of the couch there while reading my book. woke up, an hour later, having listening to A tht, a customer was asking, did i run away from home? lol. hilarious. cant ppl sleep in public anymore? well, maybe not. but its startbucks, its like my 2nd home. so who cares right?
hell, i even walk bare footed all over the place, thinking i do own the place.
sigh.. its 1.30 am in the morning, and im still thinking about it. guess, i can never really stop thinking bout it. i said, i was gonna bear with him. and im gonna do it.
to those lost souls who have really forget to believe in the immensity of love, i do feel sorry for u.
despite everything, despite the hell i have been through. always putting ur heart on the line but at the end of the day, dissapointment and hurt is all u get. but it doesnt matter. tht doesnt mean i should give up and run away and lost my hope and faith in it.
You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and the pain is really healing and beautiful and sort of poetic? It's not. It's just garbage and it's pain. You know what's better? Love. The day that you start thinking that love is overrated is the day that you're wrong. The only thing wrong with love and faith and belief is not having it.
someonce once said to me,
The world u desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It's yours.
finally we were at starbucks and the usual, we hang out n chill and we talk. and M called me all of a sudden, asked me where i was. i told him tht we were at starbucks and he said ok, he's coming over. ahhh M.. he's a nice guy. well atleast to me he is. to others.... well, not really cos he's pretty mean and violent in a way. but to us girls, he's nice. and i guess, thts all it matters.
M and A were talking while i just got to dump my problem on someone, so i chose A, not my fren A, but one of the worker at starbucks who happens to be my close fren too.
he such a child sometimes honestly, but in a way, despite his behaviour, he's a very close fren of mine and i appreciate him. im grateful. he helped me, he advice me, and make me see sense. and although i had to admit it, but he;s right. but tht doesnt changed the fact tht im still sad and depress and i just couldnt stop thinking about it. even after A and M went home, i did not want to go home just yet, i wanna stay there because maybe there's something about this place tht really calms me down, or maybe its the company. it soothing until the fact tht i fell asleep at one of the couch there while reading my book. woke up, an hour later, having listening to A tht, a customer was asking, did i run away from home? lol. hilarious. cant ppl sleep in public anymore? well, maybe not. but its startbucks, its like my 2nd home. so who cares right?
hell, i even walk bare footed all over the place, thinking i do own the place.
sigh.. its 1.30 am in the morning, and im still thinking about it. guess, i can never really stop thinking bout it. i said, i was gonna bear with him. and im gonna do it.
to those lost souls who have really forget to believe in the immensity of love, i do feel sorry for u.
despite everything, despite the hell i have been through. always putting ur heart on the line but at the end of the day, dissapointment and hurt is all u get. but it doesnt matter. tht doesnt mean i should give up and run away and lost my hope and faith in it.
You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and the pain is really healing and beautiful and sort of poetic? It's not. It's just garbage and it's pain. You know what's better? Love. The day that you start thinking that love is overrated is the day that you're wrong. The only thing wrong with love and faith and belief is not having it.
someonce once said to me,
The world u desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It's yours.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
not my day--
my best friend,N. she decided to come down all the way from bukit bintang to visit me since the last time i saw her was during spm result day. i miss her so therefore, i ask her to come down and we shall hang out, chill and do girl's stuff together.
D, her guy, fetch her all the way from bb to my house. what a sweetheart right? i really thought, we will just be hanging out in my room, didnt thought tht we will be going out. so.... i woke up late of course, and she came barging in to my room and started teasing, "chriss u ass, faster get up,we r going out now". i was like, ???????? .damn, so i got up, quickly put something on and follow her out of the gate, into D's car. as we were on the way to starbucks. lol. i really dun know why, but it has always been starbucks. everything was fine, and normal, making jokes, crap alot, i was cursing mostly because i was seriously not awake yet. and then all of a sudden, D's new PDA was beeping and N took the PDA and found out tht it was a text msg . and she opened it and found out tht this girl has been sending sweet sweet msgs to him, such as calling him darling and such. basically,very lovey-dovey and trust me, there;s something there.
she was shocked, and she asked him, who the hell is tht? he was alrd tense and panic, i noticed.
and he claims tht she is his cousin sister and whatever crap and she;s only like 12.
i mean, wtf. !!!!!!!!!!! how dumb u think N is? clearly he was lying and he was silent all the way to the mall. N was piss off, and she came to the conclusion tht D , is cheating on her.
what has happened throughout the day is private, therefore, i cant spill it all on a public blog. but basically, its not a happy ending. its pretty messy in the end. and tht is enough to ruin my mood. sigh.. seeing N, being hurt and upset. it upsets me too.
and i thought tht was all the drama for today, when i decided to go to the toilet, it so happens, i saw my ex, and his gf there. i was like , shit. shit. shit. i mean , this is the 1st time, i saw the girl he cheated on with me. god. i was like cursing and cursing. its weird seeing him with her. i mean, is not like i care anymore, is not like i want him anymore, but i just cant deny tht, it really disturbed me. my mind was seriously blank and my mood became gloomy. i dun know y. i never expected it to be like this. is not like, i want him tht way. hell no. .
but it did troubled me.
today was not a good day. my mind is troubled, my mood is tense. i felt despair actually. its sad.
i wish to sleep it off. and u know wat, i am going to do tht now. goodnight ppl.
D, her guy, fetch her all the way from bb to my house. what a sweetheart right? i really thought, we will just be hanging out in my room, didnt thought tht we will be going out. so.... i woke up late of course, and she came barging in to my room and started teasing, "chriss u ass, faster get up,we r going out now". i was like, ???????? .damn, so i got up, quickly put something on and follow her out of the gate, into D's car. as we were on the way to starbucks. lol. i really dun know why, but it has always been starbucks. everything was fine, and normal, making jokes, crap alot, i was cursing mostly because i was seriously not awake yet. and then all of a sudden, D's new PDA was beeping and N took the PDA and found out tht it was a text msg . and she opened it and found out tht this girl has been sending sweet sweet msgs to him, such as calling him darling and such. basically,very lovey-dovey and trust me, there;s something there.
she was shocked, and she asked him, who the hell is tht? he was alrd tense and panic, i noticed.
and he claims tht she is his cousin sister and whatever crap and she;s only like 12.
i mean, wtf. !!!!!!!!!!! how dumb u think N is? clearly he was lying and he was silent all the way to the mall. N was piss off, and she came to the conclusion tht D , is cheating on her.
what has happened throughout the day is private, therefore, i cant spill it all on a public blog. but basically, its not a happy ending. its pretty messy in the end. and tht is enough to ruin my mood. sigh.. seeing N, being hurt and upset. it upsets me too.
and i thought tht was all the drama for today, when i decided to go to the toilet, it so happens, i saw my ex, and his gf there. i was like , shit. shit. shit. i mean , this is the 1st time, i saw the girl he cheated on with me. god. i was like cursing and cursing. its weird seeing him with her. i mean, is not like i care anymore, is not like i want him anymore, but i just cant deny tht, it really disturbed me. my mind was seriously blank and my mood became gloomy. i dun know y. i never expected it to be like this. is not like, i want him tht way. hell no. .
but it did troubled me.
today was not a good day. my mind is troubled, my mood is tense. i felt despair actually. its sad.
i wish to sleep it off. and u know wat, i am going to do tht now. goodnight ppl.
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