sigh.... conflicted

i woke up today, feeling hungover a bit.. dun know y, probably laugh too much yesterday, its basically a mixture of emo-ness & craziness. 4am, and i was still hyperactive. lol.

sighh.. yesterday, again we argue.. sometimes, i just need him to be tht person for me, and he cant, he failed to. is not like im asking him to go the distant for me, i just wan him to be tht guy. shook. but he is no more tht guy, n tht is when i felt tht everything has changed. i try to make him see my views and end up, argument erupted. is like, we cant agree on the same thing anymore. what has happened? i dun know. i really dun. but i did try to make things better, i think i did. but it never gotten any good so.... i started to doubt this relationship, him, feeling insecure n such.. u know the drill la.

yesterday, i was alrd thinking, the moment he walk away from me, dun know la, go have some fresh air it seems,. i was alrd thinking, but i was too afraid to say anything or even dare to think further because i was afraid of the outcome. i never like, endings like tht. i was scared, for myself and especially for my heart. so i slept it off , hoping, tht in some hope left in the world or anything tht, things be better soon. but i think i alrd knew the answer all along. in a way i dun feel tht much remorse today, because i know my heart is conflicted. 2 guys.. sigh.

tht's the thing.. there's this other guy, my 1st guy.

i remember writing a letter to him,. send it via-email,cos someone suggested it.

apparently,im doing this now. lol. someone actually pop me this idea and i was like,why not. sometimes is easier to write what we wanna say rather than saying it out loud. Sometimes people write the things that they can't say.

lately.. i feel like we r drifting apart. dun say i think too much,because im not,it just feels tht way. i feel like,im holding on to this relationship for dear life. i feel like, lately, im the only who's putting effort into this relationship and want this relationship. but it never seems like u want it and thus, i even have to ask u whether do u want it still.

ppl changed. i used to remember,during earlier times, you were so sweet, when i was stil hurt and troubled by my past relationship, you were there for me, you held out ur hand and i took it without realising and i felt hope. you make me open up my heart. yes i admit, i was reluctant at first,because i was scared. i was scared of letting ppl in.because giving ur heart to somebody, thts the scary part. but eventually i did, i learn to trust u, i felt so comfortable with u, i learn to open up my heart and let u in. the point is, i was so scared that night, i was falling in love and i was so unsure and i did it. and while it hasn't been easy, it has been everything.

baby, i give u my heart, i give u my everything, i dun know wat else to give. i dun know whether is it enough for u. we go days without having a meaningful conversation sometimes and i used to miss u so much when tht happens. but do u ever miss me?

baby, work , everytime, when i see, u have to work during the nights,especially during 3 or 4 am still, u think it doesnt affect me but im actually watching and listening to u with my heart full of concerns. i know, u have no choice but to do so, but i still bear with u everytime. because i chose to, because i want to, because i care.

this is just who i am. the part of grace. im loyal and im really commited to the person i love. sigh..

someonce once told me;it's been said that there is one word that will free us from the weight and pain of life. and, that word is love, and i believe that. it doesn't mean that it hasn't been hard or that it won't be. it just means that i found a stillness and bravery in myself with you.

and that is why i love him.


alot has happened today, he finally told me stuff tht i wanna hear but no matter, its too late now, it doesnt change a thing. sigh.. he said, i cheated, but did i really?? i dun know, cos i thought things were over between us. i thought it was fine to find other distractions. which i did.
im not proud, nor am i glad. im actually much more upset with the actions tht i have taken rather than feeling my despair tht things ended with tht guy. conflicted heart.

i have not moved on, although u said, i have. but i'll try. everything will be allright.

how is it even possible to have 2 person in one's heart?

we never had tht talk, because i was afraid, i thought u were gonna hurt me.i was afraid of getting my heart broken again, .like before. cause it hurt so bad the last time and i was afraid to be vulnerable again. i was afraid of you and the way that you make me feel. and i know that doesn't matter now, after what i did, but i just thought that you should know.


but i guess its always been like this, wanting to be loved... to find someone that makes your heart ache in a good way.