my dad used to be very close to me, it was like our little secret. and every night he'd come in and he'd tuck me in and he'd kiss me on the forehead telling me tht he loves me. but no more now. he sort of left. not physically but spiritually n emotionally i guess.
i remember lying in bed for the first time and just feeling silence, you know. then realizing for the rest of my life that it was gone,everything was gone , his voice and the way it used to soothe me, just all of it. so i guess i tried to find new songs to fill that quiet, but none of them ever really have. Everyone;s is gone . There's just silence...There's just silence.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
sigh.... conflicted
i woke up today, feeling hungover a bit.. dun know y, probably laugh too much yesterday, its basically a mixture of emo-ness & craziness. 4am, and i was still hyperactive. lol.
sighh.. yesterday, again we argue.. sometimes, i just need him to be tht person for me, and he cant, he failed to. is not like im asking him to go the distant for me, i just wan him to be tht guy. shook. but he is no more tht guy, n tht is when i felt tht everything has changed. i try to make him see my views and end up, argument erupted. is like, we cant agree on the same thing anymore. what has happened? i dun know. i really dun. but i did try to make things better, i think i did. but it never gotten any good so.... i started to doubt this relationship, him, feeling insecure n such.. u know the drill la.
yesterday, i was alrd thinking, the moment he walk away from me, dun know la, go have some fresh air it seems,. i was alrd thinking, but i was too afraid to say anything or even dare to think further because i was afraid of the outcome. i never like, endings like tht. i was scared, for myself and especially for my heart. so i slept it off , hoping, tht in some hope left in the world or anything tht, things be better soon. but i think i alrd knew the answer all along. in a way i dun feel tht much remorse today, because i know my heart is conflicted. 2 guys.. sigh.
tht's the thing.. there's this other guy, my 1st guy.
i remember writing a letter to him,. send it via-email,cos someone suggested it.
apparently,im doing this now. lol. someone actually pop me this idea and i was like,why not. sometimes is easier to write what we wanna say rather than saying it out loud. Sometimes people write the things that they can't say.
lately.. i feel like we r drifting apart. dun say i think too much,because im not,it just feels tht way. i feel like,im holding on to this relationship for dear life. i feel like, lately, im the only who's putting effort into this relationship and want this relationship. but it never seems like u want it and thus, i even have to ask u whether do u want it still.
ppl changed. i used to remember,during earlier times, you were so sweet, when i was stil hurt and troubled by my past relationship, you were there for me, you held out ur hand and i took it without realising and i felt hope. you make me open up my heart. yes i admit, i was reluctant at first,because i was scared. i was scared of letting ppl in.because giving ur heart to somebody, thts the scary part. but eventually i did, i learn to trust u, i felt so comfortable with u, i learn to open up my heart and let u in. the point is, i was so scared that night, i was falling in love and i was so unsure and i did it. and while it hasn't been easy, it has been everything.
baby, i give u my heart, i give u my everything, i dun know wat else to give. i dun know whether is it enough for u. we go days without having a meaningful conversation sometimes and i used to miss u so much when tht happens. but do u ever miss me?
baby, work , everytime, when i see, u have to work during the nights,especially during 3 or 4 am still, u think it doesnt affect me but im actually watching and listening to u with my heart full of concerns. i know, u have no choice but to do so, but i still bear with u everytime. because i chose to, because i want to, because i care.
this is just who i am. the part of grace. im loyal and im really commited to the person i love. sigh..
someonce once told me;it's been said that there is one word that will free us from the weight and pain of life. and, that word is love, and i believe that. it doesn't mean that it hasn't been hard or that it won't be. it just means that i found a stillness and bravery in myself with you.
and that is why i love him.
alot has happened today, he finally told me stuff tht i wanna hear but no matter, its too late now, it doesnt change a thing. sigh.. he said, i cheated, but did i really?? i dun know, cos i thought things were over between us. i thought it was fine to find other distractions. which i did.
im not proud, nor am i glad. im actually much more upset with the actions tht i have taken rather than feeling my despair tht things ended with tht guy. conflicted heart.
i have not moved on, although u said, i have. but i'll try. everything will be allright.
how is it even possible to have 2 person in one's heart?
we never had tht talk, because i was afraid, i thought u were gonna hurt me.i was afraid of getting my heart broken again, .like before. cause it hurt so bad the last time and i was afraid to be vulnerable again. i was afraid of you and the way that you make me feel. and i know that doesn't matter now, after what i did, but i just thought that you should know.
but i guess its always been like this, wanting to be loved... to find someone that makes your heart ache in a good way.
sighh.. yesterday, again we argue.. sometimes, i just need him to be tht person for me, and he cant, he failed to. is not like im asking him to go the distant for me, i just wan him to be tht guy. shook. but he is no more tht guy, n tht is when i felt tht everything has changed. i try to make him see my views and end up, argument erupted. is like, we cant agree on the same thing anymore. what has happened? i dun know. i really dun. but i did try to make things better, i think i did. but it never gotten any good so.... i started to doubt this relationship, him, feeling insecure n such.. u know the drill la.
yesterday, i was alrd thinking, the moment he walk away from me, dun know la, go have some fresh air it seems,. i was alrd thinking, but i was too afraid to say anything or even dare to think further because i was afraid of the outcome. i never like, endings like tht. i was scared, for myself and especially for my heart. so i slept it off , hoping, tht in some hope left in the world or anything tht, things be better soon. but i think i alrd knew the answer all along. in a way i dun feel tht much remorse today, because i know my heart is conflicted. 2 guys.. sigh.
tht's the thing.. there's this other guy, my 1st guy.
i remember writing a letter to him,. send it via-email,cos someone suggested it.
apparently,im doing this now. lol. someone actually pop me this idea and i was like,why not. sometimes is easier to write what we wanna say rather than saying it out loud. Sometimes people write the things that they can't say.
lately.. i feel like we r drifting apart. dun say i think too much,because im not,it just feels tht way. i feel like,im holding on to this relationship for dear life. i feel like, lately, im the only who's putting effort into this relationship and want this relationship. but it never seems like u want it and thus, i even have to ask u whether do u want it still.
ppl changed. i used to remember,during earlier times, you were so sweet, when i was stil hurt and troubled by my past relationship, you were there for me, you held out ur hand and i took it without realising and i felt hope. you make me open up my heart. yes i admit, i was reluctant at first,because i was scared. i was scared of letting ppl in.because giving ur heart to somebody, thts the scary part. but eventually i did, i learn to trust u, i felt so comfortable with u, i learn to open up my heart and let u in. the point is, i was so scared that night, i was falling in love and i was so unsure and i did it. and while it hasn't been easy, it has been everything.
baby, i give u my heart, i give u my everything, i dun know wat else to give. i dun know whether is it enough for u. we go days without having a meaningful conversation sometimes and i used to miss u so much when tht happens. but do u ever miss me?
baby, work , everytime, when i see, u have to work during the nights,especially during 3 or 4 am still, u think it doesnt affect me but im actually watching and listening to u with my heart full of concerns. i know, u have no choice but to do so, but i still bear with u everytime. because i chose to, because i want to, because i care.
this is just who i am. the part of grace. im loyal and im really commited to the person i love. sigh..
someonce once told me;it's been said that there is one word that will free us from the weight and pain of life. and, that word is love, and i believe that. it doesn't mean that it hasn't been hard or that it won't be. it just means that i found a stillness and bravery in myself with you.
and that is why i love him.
alot has happened today, he finally told me stuff tht i wanna hear but no matter, its too late now, it doesnt change a thing. sigh.. he said, i cheated, but did i really?? i dun know, cos i thought things were over between us. i thought it was fine to find other distractions. which i did.
im not proud, nor am i glad. im actually much more upset with the actions tht i have taken rather than feeling my despair tht things ended with tht guy. conflicted heart.
i have not moved on, although u said, i have. but i'll try. everything will be allright.
how is it even possible to have 2 person in one's heart?
we never had tht talk, because i was afraid, i thought u were gonna hurt me.i was afraid of getting my heart broken again, .like before. cause it hurt so bad the last time and i was afraid to be vulnerable again. i was afraid of you and the way that you make me feel. and i know that doesn't matter now, after what i did, but i just thought that you should know.
but i guess its always been like this, wanting to be loved... to find someone that makes your heart ache in a good way.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
what else is there to write about?
i have come a long way, since the person i used to be.
ppl changed. and sometimes, it leaves u in great despair and ache knowing tht, u used to know this guy and he changed.. sometimes it really sucks, having to have tht feeling.
but i learned today from someone tht, ppl changed. is just part of life, part of the circle of life.
is not the matter tht he changed, matters, is tht, at the end of the day, is he worth it? is he worth fighting for and is he worth all ur time and love and effort?
to be able to know all these, we put them to the test, only time can tell.
lately, it hasnt been easy for me. nor to him. lately, there';s just too much crap tht has been catching up to us. i try. i try to stay strong, keep my head cool, my heart open, my mind close. i tried. but i failed, n because of tht, i felt really weak and vulnerable.
sigh...
someone actually just told me, i feel its gonna work out for u. i feel tht its gonna be worth it, at the end of the day. and i smile.
loosing ur heart desire is one thing. but giving ur heart to somebody else, thts the scary part.
im not going anywhere, i care and i love him. if tht is not enough, then i dun know wat is. u tell me.
ppl changed. and sometimes, it leaves u in great despair and ache knowing tht, u used to know this guy and he changed.. sometimes it really sucks, having to have tht feeling.
but i learned today from someone tht, ppl changed. is just part of life, part of the circle of life.
is not the matter tht he changed, matters, is tht, at the end of the day, is he worth it? is he worth fighting for and is he worth all ur time and love and effort?
to be able to know all these, we put them to the test, only time can tell.
lately, it hasnt been easy for me. nor to him. lately, there';s just too much crap tht has been catching up to us. i try. i try to stay strong, keep my head cool, my heart open, my mind close. i tried. but i failed, n because of tht, i felt really weak and vulnerable.
sigh...
someone actually just told me, i feel its gonna work out for u. i feel tht its gonna be worth it, at the end of the day. and i smile.
loosing ur heart desire is one thing. but giving ur heart to somebody else, thts the scary part.
im not going anywhere, i care and i love him. if tht is not enough, then i dun know wat is. u tell me.
Monday, April 13, 2009
ppl always leave
sorry, its been a habit of mine actually. abandoning things tht i do not care so much about. my bad. but anyway here are the updates.
nothing interesting happened lately, except the fact tht my best fren,N is going off to new zealand soon. errrrr... next week soon. i know!!! i was in denial when she told me this fact, i was like, No! no! u cant go, u cant leave me because i wont let u. she just cant leave me.
i mean, what am i going to do without her?? she's always been my best fren, the one i cant live without, the one who's always there for me, the one who stuck by me, the one who knows who i am really and the one who's able to see right through me and still loves me despite everything.
and now she's leaving. shook. she just cant leave.
i dunno wat else to do. she asked me to come with her. she asked me to leave everything behind and go with her and never come back. but... how can i do tht? ya, over the past years, i cant wait to get out of malaysia, i admit, i cant wait to fukking get out of this god-damn country. but now when she asked me to go with her, the thought of doing so, shook. i dun think i can. i dun think im able to.
i mean, my life is here. my family, my friends, my ...... i dun know really. but leave everything here? and go start a fresh? wat is there to run from? i aint running. i dun wanna start a fresh. i wanna stay here because staying is the right thing to do.
nothing interesting happened lately, except the fact tht my best fren,N is going off to new zealand soon. errrrr... next week soon. i know!!! i was in denial when she told me this fact, i was like, No! no! u cant go, u cant leave me because i wont let u. she just cant leave me.
i mean, what am i going to do without her?? she's always been my best fren, the one i cant live without, the one who's always there for me, the one who stuck by me, the one who knows who i am really and the one who's able to see right through me and still loves me despite everything.
and now she's leaving. shook. she just cant leave.
i dunno wat else to do. she asked me to come with her. she asked me to leave everything behind and go with her and never come back. but... how can i do tht? ya, over the past years, i cant wait to get out of malaysia, i admit, i cant wait to fukking get out of this god-damn country. but now when she asked me to go with her, the thought of doing so, shook. i dun think i can. i dun think im able to.
i mean, my life is here. my family, my friends, my ...... i dun know really. but leave everything here? and go start a fresh? wat is there to run from? i aint running. i dun wanna start a fresh. i wanna stay here because staying is the right thing to do.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
To those lost souls..
Yesterday, something did happened. something tht is enough to trigger me emotionally and it brings me down. i just couldnt bear to stay at home today, so i called up A, and decided to go to my 2nd home, starbucks. sigh. i know... we hang out there, was kinda cold due to the weather and alrd i was wearing my boxer shorts and my tank top, basically my sleeping attire. typical me i guess. i was really not in a mood to changed or look nice, so who cares. just wear whatever i have on, and get out of the freaking house.
finally we were at starbucks and the usual, we hang out n chill and we talk. and M called me all of a sudden, asked me where i was. i told him tht we were at starbucks and he said ok, he's coming over. ahhh M.. he's a nice guy. well atleast to me he is. to others.... well, not really cos he's pretty mean and violent in a way. but to us girls, he's nice. and i guess, thts all it matters.
M and A were talking while i just got to dump my problem on someone, so i chose A, not my fren A, but one of the worker at starbucks who happens to be my close fren too.
he such a child sometimes honestly, but in a way, despite his behaviour, he's a very close fren of mine and i appreciate him. im grateful. he helped me, he advice me, and make me see sense. and although i had to admit it, but he;s right. but tht doesnt changed the fact tht im still sad and depress and i just couldnt stop thinking about it. even after A and M went home, i did not want to go home just yet, i wanna stay there because maybe there's something about this place tht really calms me down, or maybe its the company. it soothing until the fact tht i fell asleep at one of the couch there while reading my book. woke up, an hour later, having listening to A tht, a customer was asking, did i run away from home? lol. hilarious. cant ppl sleep in public anymore? well, maybe not. but its startbucks, its like my 2nd home. so who cares right?
hell, i even walk bare footed all over the place, thinking i do own the place.
sigh.. its 1.30 am in the morning, and im still thinking about it. guess, i can never really stop thinking bout it. i said, i was gonna bear with him. and im gonna do it.
to those lost souls who have really forget to believe in the immensity of love, i do feel sorry for u.
despite everything, despite the hell i have been through. always putting ur heart on the line but at the end of the day, dissapointment and hurt is all u get. but it doesnt matter. tht doesnt mean i should give up and run away and lost my hope and faith in it.
You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and the pain is really healing and beautiful and sort of poetic? It's not. It's just garbage and it's pain. You know what's better? Love. The day that you start thinking that love is overrated is the day that you're wrong. The only thing wrong with love and faith and belief is not having it.
someonce once said to me,
The world u desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It's yours.
finally we were at starbucks and the usual, we hang out n chill and we talk. and M called me all of a sudden, asked me where i was. i told him tht we were at starbucks and he said ok, he's coming over. ahhh M.. he's a nice guy. well atleast to me he is. to others.... well, not really cos he's pretty mean and violent in a way. but to us girls, he's nice. and i guess, thts all it matters.
M and A were talking while i just got to dump my problem on someone, so i chose A, not my fren A, but one of the worker at starbucks who happens to be my close fren too.
he such a child sometimes honestly, but in a way, despite his behaviour, he's a very close fren of mine and i appreciate him. im grateful. he helped me, he advice me, and make me see sense. and although i had to admit it, but he;s right. but tht doesnt changed the fact tht im still sad and depress and i just couldnt stop thinking about it. even after A and M went home, i did not want to go home just yet, i wanna stay there because maybe there's something about this place tht really calms me down, or maybe its the company. it soothing until the fact tht i fell asleep at one of the couch there while reading my book. woke up, an hour later, having listening to A tht, a customer was asking, did i run away from home? lol. hilarious. cant ppl sleep in public anymore? well, maybe not. but its startbucks, its like my 2nd home. so who cares right?
hell, i even walk bare footed all over the place, thinking i do own the place.
sigh.. its 1.30 am in the morning, and im still thinking about it. guess, i can never really stop thinking bout it. i said, i was gonna bear with him. and im gonna do it.
to those lost souls who have really forget to believe in the immensity of love, i do feel sorry for u.
despite everything, despite the hell i have been through. always putting ur heart on the line but at the end of the day, dissapointment and hurt is all u get. but it doesnt matter. tht doesnt mean i should give up and run away and lost my hope and faith in it.
You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and the pain is really healing and beautiful and sort of poetic? It's not. It's just garbage and it's pain. You know what's better? Love. The day that you start thinking that love is overrated is the day that you're wrong. The only thing wrong with love and faith and belief is not having it.
someonce once said to me,
The world u desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It's yours.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
not my day--
my best friend,N. she decided to come down all the way from bukit bintang to visit me since the last time i saw her was during spm result day. i miss her so therefore, i ask her to come down and we shall hang out, chill and do girl's stuff together.
D, her guy, fetch her all the way from bb to my house. what a sweetheart right? i really thought, we will just be hanging out in my room, didnt thought tht we will be going out. so.... i woke up late of course, and she came barging in to my room and started teasing, "chriss u ass, faster get up,we r going out now". i was like, ???????? .damn, so i got up, quickly put something on and follow her out of the gate, into D's car. as we were on the way to starbucks. lol. i really dun know why, but it has always been starbucks. everything was fine, and normal, making jokes, crap alot, i was cursing mostly because i was seriously not awake yet. and then all of a sudden, D's new PDA was beeping and N took the PDA and found out tht it was a text msg . and she opened it and found out tht this girl has been sending sweet sweet msgs to him, such as calling him darling and such. basically,very lovey-dovey and trust me, there;s something there.
she was shocked, and she asked him, who the hell is tht? he was alrd tense and panic, i noticed.
and he claims tht she is his cousin sister and whatever crap and she;s only like 12.
i mean, wtf. !!!!!!!!!!! how dumb u think N is? clearly he was lying and he was silent all the way to the mall. N was piss off, and she came to the conclusion tht D , is cheating on her.
what has happened throughout the day is private, therefore, i cant spill it all on a public blog. but basically, its not a happy ending. its pretty messy in the end. and tht is enough to ruin my mood. sigh.. seeing N, being hurt and upset. it upsets me too.
and i thought tht was all the drama for today, when i decided to go to the toilet, it so happens, i saw my ex, and his gf there. i was like , shit. shit. shit. i mean , this is the 1st time, i saw the girl he cheated on with me. god. i was like cursing and cursing. its weird seeing him with her. i mean, is not like i care anymore, is not like i want him anymore, but i just cant deny tht, it really disturbed me. my mind was seriously blank and my mood became gloomy. i dun know y. i never expected it to be like this. is not like, i want him tht way. hell no. .
but it did troubled me.
today was not a good day. my mind is troubled, my mood is tense. i felt despair actually. its sad.
i wish to sleep it off. and u know wat, i am going to do tht now. goodnight ppl.
D, her guy, fetch her all the way from bb to my house. what a sweetheart right? i really thought, we will just be hanging out in my room, didnt thought tht we will be going out. so.... i woke up late of course, and she came barging in to my room and started teasing, "chriss u ass, faster get up,we r going out now". i was like, ???????? .damn, so i got up, quickly put something on and follow her out of the gate, into D's car. as we were on the way to starbucks. lol. i really dun know why, but it has always been starbucks. everything was fine, and normal, making jokes, crap alot, i was cursing mostly because i was seriously not awake yet. and then all of a sudden, D's new PDA was beeping and N took the PDA and found out tht it was a text msg . and she opened it and found out tht this girl has been sending sweet sweet msgs to him, such as calling him darling and such. basically,very lovey-dovey and trust me, there;s something there.
she was shocked, and she asked him, who the hell is tht? he was alrd tense and panic, i noticed.
and he claims tht she is his cousin sister and whatever crap and she;s only like 12.
i mean, wtf. !!!!!!!!!!! how dumb u think N is? clearly he was lying and he was silent all the way to the mall. N was piss off, and she came to the conclusion tht D , is cheating on her.
what has happened throughout the day is private, therefore, i cant spill it all on a public blog. but basically, its not a happy ending. its pretty messy in the end. and tht is enough to ruin my mood. sigh.. seeing N, being hurt and upset. it upsets me too.
and i thought tht was all the drama for today, when i decided to go to the toilet, it so happens, i saw my ex, and his gf there. i was like , shit. shit. shit. i mean , this is the 1st time, i saw the girl he cheated on with me. god. i was like cursing and cursing. its weird seeing him with her. i mean, is not like i care anymore, is not like i want him anymore, but i just cant deny tht, it really disturbed me. my mind was seriously blank and my mood became gloomy. i dun know y. i never expected it to be like this. is not like, i want him tht way. hell no. .
but it did troubled me.
today was not a good day. my mind is troubled, my mood is tense. i felt despair actually. its sad.
i wish to sleep it off. and u know wat, i am going to do tht now. goodnight ppl.
Monday, March 16, 2009
another one
i remembered just a few post back, i wrote about the "guy" tht will propose to me, in my dream of course and i can see,visualize my future with him. apparently all tht feeling is gone now. in a way. the feeling of calm,sweetness,warmth, security,comfort of being with "that" guy has faded.
i always see my life as like a cold/freezing pool of water, and be careful before even trying to dip your feet into it. but apparently, no one listens. sigh.
remembered a few post back, i wrote, this year, I got everything I wanted and everything I wished for. But in a way, I lost even more?
yes i did. Yeah, losing your heart’s desire is tragic. But gaining your heart’s desire... It’s all you can hope for.
This year, I wished for love. To immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic… then give me tragedy. Because, I wouldn’t give it back for the world.
i always see my life as like a cold/freezing pool of water, and be careful before even trying to dip your feet into it. but apparently, no one listens. sigh.
remembered a few post back, i wrote, this year, I got everything I wanted and everything I wished for. But in a way, I lost even more?
yes i did. Yeah, losing your heart’s desire is tragic. But gaining your heart’s desire... It’s all you can hope for.
This year, I wished for love. To immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic… then give me tragedy. Because, I wouldn’t give it back for the world.
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