confuse...
Chriss,.shook
Sigh,no worries, I get it straighten out
Fuck laa
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
2 months now
I just realised tht it has been 2 months now since the day he said those 3 words to me.
I did not realise it at 1st, but as I went n lie down on my bed, I was browsing through my phone inbox n accidentaly I press on the open button on one of his texts last time n there it is, those words. I stared at it n smile briefly n I look at the date, 11march 2009,4.14am .
Its been 2 months now as of yesterday,11 may2009.
its been 2 months now.
*on my bed,on my iPod,blogging this.
I did not realise it at 1st, but as I went n lie down on my bed, I was browsing through my phone inbox n accidentaly I press on the open button on one of his texts last time n there it is, those words. I stared at it n smile briefly n I look at the date, 11march 2009,4.14am .
Its been 2 months now as of yesterday,11 may2009.
its been 2 months now.
*on my bed,on my iPod,blogging this.
Monday, May 11, 2009
as of yesterday
yesterday was mother's day. what did i do huh? erm....well, i was not really in a rally or fiesta mood. for those who knows me, they know y. but it be bad to walk around at home and sulk or mop while they go out n have their family dinner. after all, it is mother's day and my godfather actually came all the way down here to join us. i couldn't stay at home for the fear of interrogation later. so i tidy up, clean myself up and make myself most presentable and i put on a smile. not a fake one, but a barely-there smile or whatever u call it.
we went to dinner, but before tht, i followed my dad to lavender's cos he thought of getting a cake for his mother, my grandmomma. ooooooo.. when i saw all the display cakes there, it make me wonder, when was the last time, i actually had one. it has always been chocolates and ice creams and cookies but cakes... no.... never....... then my expression when all dreamy and then i snap back into focus again cos my dad irritated me by asking me which one to get. ah. in the end, my dad bought 2 cakes. one is for me, personally. lol. like no kidding. because i told him, i really really wan cakes u know, and he was like, y cant u just share with others?. and i was like, no i dun wan to cos it wont be enough. in the end, he sigh and he agreed. so yay for me. finally.. after centuries of not eating cakes, my dad got me a half kg chocolate cake. and ya, i did it. i attack it with a spoon, alone, while everyone was looking at me. and i was like, oh c'mon, cut me some slack, is a difficult time for me.
and there;s still half of it left in the refrigerator, but no worries, im gonna attend to it soon. ^^
then when we finally got back from dinner, everyone was hanging out at my house. but damn i was seriously feeling hot and sweaty, the heat is killing me. so i went to change into my nightwear , thinking tht, i really dun intend to go down and join them watching football while drinking. i decided to just hang out in my room and just lie down on the bed under the air conditioner,cfc. but my darling cous just wont leave me alone, so they too, just stays in my room,hanging out and reading what i wrote on my god damn wall.. and then all of a sudden they started taking pictures of me doing N-O-T-H-I-N-G on the bed.. ok maybe not nothing, i was actually sketching.
these r all r self picture taking. its dark, u cant see a thing, but wat u can see is tht my wall, my purple wall, is all plaster with words. sigh...
P.S i swear to god, the cake is practically calling my name, chrissy.... lol
we went to dinner, but before tht, i followed my dad to lavender's cos he thought of getting a cake for his mother, my grandmomma. ooooooo.. when i saw all the display cakes there, it make me wonder, when was the last time, i actually had one. it has always been chocolates and ice creams and cookies but cakes... no.... never....... then my expression when all dreamy and then i snap back into focus again cos my dad irritated me by asking me which one to get. ah. in the end, my dad bought 2 cakes. one is for me, personally. lol. like no kidding. because i told him, i really really wan cakes u know, and he was like, y cant u just share with others?. and i was like, no i dun wan to cos it wont be enough. in the end, he sigh and he agreed. so yay for me. finally.. after centuries of not eating cakes, my dad got me a half kg chocolate cake. and ya, i did it. i attack it with a spoon, alone, while everyone was looking at me. and i was like, oh c'mon, cut me some slack, is a difficult time for me.
and there;s still half of it left in the refrigerator, but no worries, im gonna attend to it soon. ^^
then when we finally got back from dinner, everyone was hanging out at my house. but damn i was seriously feeling hot and sweaty, the heat is killing me. so i went to change into my nightwear , thinking tht, i really dun intend to go down and join them watching football while drinking. i decided to just hang out in my room and just lie down on the bed under the air conditioner,cfc. but my darling cous just wont leave me alone, so they too, just stays in my room,hanging out and reading what i wrote on my god damn wall.. and then all of a sudden they started taking pictures of me doing N-O-T-H-I-N-G on the bed.. ok maybe not nothing, i was actually sketching.
these r all r self picture taking. its dark, u cant see a thing, but wat u can see is tht my wall, my purple wall, is all plaster with words. sigh...
P.S i swear to god, the cake is practically calling my name, chrissy.... lol
Saturday, May 9, 2009
cant sleep. too much
god damn it.. its 5 am in the morning, and i stilllll caannnnntttt sleeeeppp.
wth is wrong with me? my freaking mind..
sigh...
too much too bear.. it hurts.
its tiring.
wth is wrong with me? my freaking mind..
sigh...
too much too bear.. it hurts.
its tiring.
just silence.
my dad used to be very close to me, it was like our little secret. and every night he'd come in and he'd tuck me in and he'd kiss me on the forehead telling me tht he loves me. but no more now. he sort of left. not physically but spiritually n emotionally i guess.
i remember lying in bed for the first time and just feeling silence, you know. then realizing for the rest of my life that it was gone,everything was gone , his voice and the way it used to soothe me, just all of it. so i guess i tried to find new songs to fill that quiet, but none of them ever really have. Everyone;s is gone . There's just silence...There's just silence.
i remember lying in bed for the first time and just feeling silence, you know. then realizing for the rest of my life that it was gone,everything was gone , his voice and the way it used to soothe me, just all of it. so i guess i tried to find new songs to fill that quiet, but none of them ever really have. Everyone;s is gone . There's just silence...There's just silence.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
sigh.... conflicted
i woke up today, feeling hungover a bit.. dun know y, probably laugh too much yesterday, its basically a mixture of emo-ness & craziness. 4am, and i was still hyperactive. lol.
sighh.. yesterday, again we argue.. sometimes, i just need him to be tht person for me, and he cant, he failed to. is not like im asking him to go the distant for me, i just wan him to be tht guy. shook. but he is no more tht guy, n tht is when i felt tht everything has changed. i try to make him see my views and end up, argument erupted. is like, we cant agree on the same thing anymore. what has happened? i dun know. i really dun. but i did try to make things better, i think i did. but it never gotten any good so.... i started to doubt this relationship, him, feeling insecure n such.. u know the drill la.
yesterday, i was alrd thinking, the moment he walk away from me, dun know la, go have some fresh air it seems,. i was alrd thinking, but i was too afraid to say anything or even dare to think further because i was afraid of the outcome. i never like, endings like tht. i was scared, for myself and especially for my heart. so i slept it off , hoping, tht in some hope left in the world or anything tht, things be better soon. but i think i alrd knew the answer all along. in a way i dun feel tht much remorse today, because i know my heart is conflicted. 2 guys.. sigh.
tht's the thing.. there's this other guy, my 1st guy.
i remember writing a letter to him,. send it via-email,cos someone suggested it.
apparently,im doing this now. lol. someone actually pop me this idea and i was like,why not. sometimes is easier to write what we wanna say rather than saying it out loud. Sometimes people write the things that they can't say.
lately.. i feel like we r drifting apart. dun say i think too much,because im not,it just feels tht way. i feel like,im holding on to this relationship for dear life. i feel like, lately, im the only who's putting effort into this relationship and want this relationship. but it never seems like u want it and thus, i even have to ask u whether do u want it still.
ppl changed. i used to remember,during earlier times, you were so sweet, when i was stil hurt and troubled by my past relationship, you were there for me, you held out ur hand and i took it without realising and i felt hope. you make me open up my heart. yes i admit, i was reluctant at first,because i was scared. i was scared of letting ppl in.because giving ur heart to somebody, thts the scary part. but eventually i did, i learn to trust u, i felt so comfortable with u, i learn to open up my heart and let u in. the point is, i was so scared that night, i was falling in love and i was so unsure and i did it. and while it hasn't been easy, it has been everything.
baby, i give u my heart, i give u my everything, i dun know wat else to give. i dun know whether is it enough for u. we go days without having a meaningful conversation sometimes and i used to miss u so much when tht happens. but do u ever miss me?
baby, work , everytime, when i see, u have to work during the nights,especially during 3 or 4 am still, u think it doesnt affect me but im actually watching and listening to u with my heart full of concerns. i know, u have no choice but to do so, but i still bear with u everytime. because i chose to, because i want to, because i care.
this is just who i am. the part of grace. im loyal and im really commited to the person i love. sigh..
someonce once told me;it's been said that there is one word that will free us from the weight and pain of life. and, that word is love, and i believe that. it doesn't mean that it hasn't been hard or that it won't be. it just means that i found a stillness and bravery in myself with you.
and that is why i love him.
alot has happened today, he finally told me stuff tht i wanna hear but no matter, its too late now, it doesnt change a thing. sigh.. he said, i cheated, but did i really?? i dun know, cos i thought things were over between us. i thought it was fine to find other distractions. which i did.
im not proud, nor am i glad. im actually much more upset with the actions tht i have taken rather than feeling my despair tht things ended with tht guy. conflicted heart.
i have not moved on, although u said, i have. but i'll try. everything will be allright.
how is it even possible to have 2 person in one's heart?
we never had tht talk, because i was afraid, i thought u were gonna hurt me.i was afraid of getting my heart broken again, .like before. cause it hurt so bad the last time and i was afraid to be vulnerable again. i was afraid of you and the way that you make me feel. and i know that doesn't matter now, after what i did, but i just thought that you should know.
but i guess its always been like this, wanting to be loved... to find someone that makes your heart ache in a good way.
sighh.. yesterday, again we argue.. sometimes, i just need him to be tht person for me, and he cant, he failed to. is not like im asking him to go the distant for me, i just wan him to be tht guy. shook. but he is no more tht guy, n tht is when i felt tht everything has changed. i try to make him see my views and end up, argument erupted. is like, we cant agree on the same thing anymore. what has happened? i dun know. i really dun. but i did try to make things better, i think i did. but it never gotten any good so.... i started to doubt this relationship, him, feeling insecure n such.. u know the drill la.
yesterday, i was alrd thinking, the moment he walk away from me, dun know la, go have some fresh air it seems,. i was alrd thinking, but i was too afraid to say anything or even dare to think further because i was afraid of the outcome. i never like, endings like tht. i was scared, for myself and especially for my heart. so i slept it off , hoping, tht in some hope left in the world or anything tht, things be better soon. but i think i alrd knew the answer all along. in a way i dun feel tht much remorse today, because i know my heart is conflicted. 2 guys.. sigh.
tht's the thing.. there's this other guy, my 1st guy.
i remember writing a letter to him,. send it via-email,cos someone suggested it.
apparently,im doing this now. lol. someone actually pop me this idea and i was like,why not. sometimes is easier to write what we wanna say rather than saying it out loud. Sometimes people write the things that they can't say.
lately.. i feel like we r drifting apart. dun say i think too much,because im not,it just feels tht way. i feel like,im holding on to this relationship for dear life. i feel like, lately, im the only who's putting effort into this relationship and want this relationship. but it never seems like u want it and thus, i even have to ask u whether do u want it still.
ppl changed. i used to remember,during earlier times, you were so sweet, when i was stil hurt and troubled by my past relationship, you were there for me, you held out ur hand and i took it without realising and i felt hope. you make me open up my heart. yes i admit, i was reluctant at first,because i was scared. i was scared of letting ppl in.because giving ur heart to somebody, thts the scary part. but eventually i did, i learn to trust u, i felt so comfortable with u, i learn to open up my heart and let u in. the point is, i was so scared that night, i was falling in love and i was so unsure and i did it. and while it hasn't been easy, it has been everything.
baby, i give u my heart, i give u my everything, i dun know wat else to give. i dun know whether is it enough for u. we go days without having a meaningful conversation sometimes and i used to miss u so much when tht happens. but do u ever miss me?
baby, work , everytime, when i see, u have to work during the nights,especially during 3 or 4 am still, u think it doesnt affect me but im actually watching and listening to u with my heart full of concerns. i know, u have no choice but to do so, but i still bear with u everytime. because i chose to, because i want to, because i care.
this is just who i am. the part of grace. im loyal and im really commited to the person i love. sigh..
someonce once told me;it's been said that there is one word that will free us from the weight and pain of life. and, that word is love, and i believe that. it doesn't mean that it hasn't been hard or that it won't be. it just means that i found a stillness and bravery in myself with you.
and that is why i love him.
alot has happened today, he finally told me stuff tht i wanna hear but no matter, its too late now, it doesnt change a thing. sigh.. he said, i cheated, but did i really?? i dun know, cos i thought things were over between us. i thought it was fine to find other distractions. which i did.
im not proud, nor am i glad. im actually much more upset with the actions tht i have taken rather than feeling my despair tht things ended with tht guy. conflicted heart.
i have not moved on, although u said, i have. but i'll try. everything will be allright.
how is it even possible to have 2 person in one's heart?
we never had tht talk, because i was afraid, i thought u were gonna hurt me.i was afraid of getting my heart broken again, .like before. cause it hurt so bad the last time and i was afraid to be vulnerable again. i was afraid of you and the way that you make me feel. and i know that doesn't matter now, after what i did, but i just thought that you should know.
but i guess its always been like this, wanting to be loved... to find someone that makes your heart ache in a good way.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
what else is there to write about?
i have come a long way, since the person i used to be.
ppl changed. and sometimes, it leaves u in great despair and ache knowing tht, u used to know this guy and he changed.. sometimes it really sucks, having to have tht feeling.
but i learned today from someone tht, ppl changed. is just part of life, part of the circle of life.
is not the matter tht he changed, matters, is tht, at the end of the day, is he worth it? is he worth fighting for and is he worth all ur time and love and effort?
to be able to know all these, we put them to the test, only time can tell.
lately, it hasnt been easy for me. nor to him. lately, there';s just too much crap tht has been catching up to us. i try. i try to stay strong, keep my head cool, my heart open, my mind close. i tried. but i failed, n because of tht, i felt really weak and vulnerable.
sigh...
someone actually just told me, i feel its gonna work out for u. i feel tht its gonna be worth it, at the end of the day. and i smile.
loosing ur heart desire is one thing. but giving ur heart to somebody else, thts the scary part.
im not going anywhere, i care and i love him. if tht is not enough, then i dun know wat is. u tell me.
ppl changed. and sometimes, it leaves u in great despair and ache knowing tht, u used to know this guy and he changed.. sometimes it really sucks, having to have tht feeling.
but i learned today from someone tht, ppl changed. is just part of life, part of the circle of life.
is not the matter tht he changed, matters, is tht, at the end of the day, is he worth it? is he worth fighting for and is he worth all ur time and love and effort?
to be able to know all these, we put them to the test, only time can tell.
lately, it hasnt been easy for me. nor to him. lately, there';s just too much crap tht has been catching up to us. i try. i try to stay strong, keep my head cool, my heart open, my mind close. i tried. but i failed, n because of tht, i felt really weak and vulnerable.
sigh...
someone actually just told me, i feel its gonna work out for u. i feel tht its gonna be worth it, at the end of the day. and i smile.
loosing ur heart desire is one thing. but giving ur heart to somebody else, thts the scary part.
im not going anywhere, i care and i love him. if tht is not enough, then i dun know wat is. u tell me.
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