can't seem to catch a break

Some just have it all and there are some who just can't seem to catch a break.


And i seem to fall into the category of i can't seem to catch a break.

This year

It's funny how this year is terrible for you then what it is for me? *shook* This year has been HELL for me, what with college and friends and relationship and family. Everything seems so screw up at one point, mostly the relationship category, that is just so screw up until i don't even know what to label it anymore. On the way back from PJCAD today, cos i went and retrieve some stuff there, Bry was telling me why has my love life always been so screw up and complicated ever since i was form 2. He said he was there to see me and until now he still is. Its true, and somehow this fact saddens me ) : where is my perfect guy?! I've been dating ever since i was 14 years old, i'm tired of dating already. I just wan my perfect guy.

Oh and i sort of transfer college from PJCAD to INTI now and i'm in the mass com line, YAY to mass com students. ;) There are seriously a bunch of crazey kids in my class including me and the close buds that i hang out with, you know who you are. muax muax.

Oh and btw, i moved to subang avenue for god knows why actually, but i guess i moved is under the term of "leisure and conviniency" heeee. My dad kept telling me, is so ridiculous for a klang-rian to move to subang cos i could just take train there. shucks ):

Not sure what am i going to do with my fashion line still, but i get to there, maybe once i completed this course. Cos fashion will always be there for me, the ruling force of my life.

I blog more later when i do. I gtg now ):

class cancel

Blog oh blog, what should i write about. It;s 9.47am in the morning, and my class is cancel. Damn it inti, i could have stay home n sleep right now, not going around the net,facebooking,e buddyingg and blogging ect. 

i come back later and blog somemore, of course i will :)

Tired mind, Tired soul

Everybody else knows how this goes
Everybody knows how wide and how much and how far
Everybody's got my number now
Maybe I can find a way out

I've been running too long on this shift
And I've been keeping tabs on myself
And now I'm cutting close in on my limit
And I think I heard somebody say


You're never gonna be anybody else
You're never gonna see until you see yourself
Take a deep breath and don't let go 




This year has been... so far, everything is falling apart, i'm falling apart. I can barely catch myself this time when i fall but i know i have to. I came in here today and i sit in silence. I look around, a vase of nearly dead flowers which i love, the pictures hanging on the mirror pane which reminds everything, the slight bruises on my hand which reminds what did happened. In just one day, less than 24 hours, alot can change. 


Perhaps we do give our heart uncritically to others who hardly think about us in return.

INSANELY

Sometimes being so insanely in love hurts.

It still is.

I guess it's a super late entry i'm blogging now, like what, 4.31 am in the morning. If u think blogging at this hour is crazy, try learning japanese of the net at this hour -__- But i guess i just couldnt sleeep. My sleeping habit is becoming worst and worst. Had too much nightmares lately, maybe its hindering my mind and body to fall asleep because it's afraid. If only you seen the nightmares i'm having, you too would be afraid to fall asleep, no doubt.

Now what could possibly be on my mind at 4.36am in the morning. *pondering*. I'm thinking bout my guy and how proud i m cos he graduated today , with the whole robe and scroll thingy but too bad i wasnt there to see him graduate, no matter. I'm glad and happy for him.

I'm thinking bout how different we are and how different our goal in life and what we want in each other is different. I guess thinking bout all of these does give a mild stab in my heart, a mild head pain and a mild insecurity. But then again i'm amaze, don't get me wrong, i'm not amaze at my own pain lar, i'm amaze at how different we are,in many aspects but we are still bond together. This might be the love people out there are dying to have, atleast i hope so.

Just look at it, it's easy to be with someone tht is perfect because she/he is everything, your dream guy/girl/whatever, everything that you ever wanted. Is easy because she/he be understanding, so no fights, or she/he be rich, so no money issue, or she/he is loyal, so no cheating, or she/he is caring and sincere enough, so no insecurities. Isnt't it? Tell me i'm wrong and i shoot you from a vantage point. Its so easy to be with someone who fulfill everything that you want, physically, emotionally. But its not so easy being with someone who doesnt fullfill it, who is nothing like you ever wanted, i find that the challenge part.

Why am i amaze? it's how they are able to stay bonded and love each other until now. It's not easy being in this kind of relationship you know, you have no idea how many times i literally wanna kill him myself n kill myself after. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. This are the relationship that i'm proud to admit and have, atleast we know, we are true to each other, we know what each other needs and want are, we are being downright honest, we tackle the issue, not keep it in heart and push it away or even try to change for the other person.

It amaze me to see how , despite of everything i'm still in love and he is still and us staying bonded. I shouldnt worry so much bout the flaw, why arent i perfect for him, or why cant i be more of the girl that he want, No. Infact i should feel lucky and bless that despite whatever i'm , he is still with me , loving me. An unconditional love, to love a person for who they are.

I think that brings a deeper special meaning than saying "I love you cos you are everything that i ever wanted."

I would much rather have "You are nothing that i want, but it's ok, i still love you for who you are."

Gdnight .

updates again;

Last blogging date was feb sumthing and today is 8 march. Wow, blogspot should sue me or ban me from not updating it regularly, its like a waste of internet space but what the hell, nobody takes me seriously : (





Ahh updates in life, well, i've decided to not continue my studies in PJCAD , for a few REASONABLY VALID reasons for example, IT'S TOO EFFING FAR. jesus. I guess i'm in a very confuse place right now, lost and don't know what i want again. Honestly, people say that i need to be more decisive, and i'm trying to, it's just not easy. Cos i have always been that girl who follows her heart and when my heart is empty, i'm empty, lost of direction. I guess i'm along the courses of designing(AGAIN), mass com or culinary. lol.





This past few weeks, i have been through alot, i guess i'm emotionally drain right now with all the confusion, pain, hurt, u get the drill. But it's getting better, day and day. How can one be so difficult? thats bad enough, but how can two be so difficult? That's even worst.





But i guess being in love has always been that way, wanting to be loved, to find a guy that makes your heart ache in a good way. I was just looking through back the pictures that we had together and shared, it reminds me of a time where i fell in love with this man that pratically breaks my heart, put them back again, breaks , put them back, breaks, and put them back again. Sometimes it’s not who you spend the most time with, it's who you have the best memories with.





I guess there's always gonna be this 3 person. The person that I love,the person that I hate and the person I can't get enough of. But all of them would be one person, and that person is you.





You promise, everything is going to be allright and i believe you.





Oh, and i start playing a game call audition too with a bunch of my crazy friends, i literally spent 50 bucks on virtual clothing for my character, dumb much? lol.





I guess no more clubbing for me for now, it aint that fun anymore.



And i have to say, i miss my bestie so much all the way in NZ. Damn it nic, come back to malaysia alrd.



andddd last but not least before i log off, i love my flowers for what it has been given to me. Thank you.